Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Who's in control anyway?

This past year I have come to learn about another layer of loss of control.  I always think I have yielded my life to Christ, I mean its been years and I gave him my life years ago.  I became his follower, his yeah at first I realized I had to change the way I used my time, then came the days of learning to put Christ before my husband and my children. Every time God taught me what it meant to let go of control and live in the way of His will and not mine.  This past year I have struggled with my health and rheumatoid arthritis.  I suddenly couldn't do things I used to do.  Walking was painful, using my hands to open jars or use a knife was impossibly hard.  I was suddenly seeing doctors who were telling me I would be on medication for the rest of my life and that it won't just get better or go away.  But here I am, finally able to use my hands and feet more as we have figured out a good medication combo.  However, the medication I am on is one of those ones you hear about on TV with a whole slew of "possible side effects" which sound crazy to chance.  I found myself wondering what can I do in the future, I can't imagine doing some of the things I once thought I would be doing and even had some days of depression over that fact...however the past few weeks Jesus has been faithful to reveal to me something I have missed all these years...  Who's life is this anyway??  I gave my life to the One who gave his life for me.  I began thinking if I ever truly understood that...  He has and will allow what he will allow in my life for his purpose.   He loves me and cares for me and I don't have to fear what I can or can't do.  He already knows and I have (or at least am learning) to yield to his desires.  I am learning looking back on my walk with God, that his desires have become my desires naturally over time and always when he was ready to move in my life.  He is the vine and I am the branch, therefore I do not need to figure it out anymore than a branch gets down and pulls on the vine to make itself grow.  The branch instead holds tight to the vine and its growth is a product of clinging to the vine for all its needs and it grows by default through the vigor and health of the vine.  So I am back to asking who's life is this anyway??  I laid mine down years ago to be taken up by the one who is all sufficient.

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