A cracked vessel

I have struggled with anxiety for many years.  It is one of those things I have prayed for God to take away but it is always there.  My usual worries revolve around letting others down, whether it is controllable or uncontrollable circumstances.  I worry about something happening to me or my children. I worry I said the wrong thing, didn't say the right thing, made a fool of myself or acted too proud.  I worry that I have said things I cannot fix or didn't say what should have been said.  I worry that I am doing too much or not enough.  Its as Paul described a thorn in my side.  Today however I had a revelation of sorts.  I thought....what if its exactly who God made me to be......what if this is me.  Yes it would be nice to say I will jump in the car and be a "free" spirit, but then what would drive me to my knees?  While speaking with some wonderful ladies today I came to realize how many times God has shown up and proven to me that he has it under control, that He is my protector, provider and that I can rest in him.  It was my anxiety that showed me that.  He has slowly (i supposed I am a slow learner!) over the years pulled down so many fears and what I have found behind it was Jesus, holding me up every time.  I am an Israelite, I have seen my own miraculous healing, I have seen people show up just in time, I have had God show me things that can have no other explanation and then I walk on and forget.  Like the Israelites forgetting the manna, the parting of the red sea and the cloud they followed.  I look around and see the waves and start to go under while all the while Jesus has his hand ready to pull me up over and over.  A lot of times people ask me how I do it with 7 kids and another on the way....want the honest truth...it may not be as awesome as you may think........I shake and quake about traveling and driving far for that matter, I cry when I can't see how its going to work, I stomp around sometimes when my ways not working, I change my mind a million times about whats best for our lives, I question EVERY decision a million times and then doubt what I swore I knew was right (seriously ask my family).   I am a cracked vessel but the amazing thing God keeps showing me is people don't see my broken pieces because Jesus is holding it all together and even when I am worrying He is there.  When I am worried people will see my faults or failures they are seeing Him move.  When I worry I run to Him and He provides, even when I forget He never does.

The enormity of it

This Easter we decided to make a conscious effort to display the importance of Easter to our children during the holy week before.  We did something every day to build up to Easter morning.  We burned candles with perfume scents to remember the woman who poured her perfume on Jesus, we shared bread while we talked of Passover, we made crosses symbolizing what Jesus did for us.  I was really hoping the children understood the significance of Easter.  When Easter morning came we went to church and I quickly realized this week had taught me more than I had known.  I could barely get through the songs without tearing up.  My heart was bursting with joy when we sang about Jesus rising again.  This Easter didn't quite go as I planned, we had planned to make a big turkey dinner with all the fixings for the family, but before heading to church I realized I was missing a lot of ingredients.  Instead we took the kids to a Chinese restaurant for lunch and then came home, the rest of the day was filled with relaxing together, playing games and then the ultimate treat pie for dinner!  I was filled with the joy of the truth of the cross and at the same time longing to have my Rosie with us!  We are so close to bringing her home.  I was disappointed that we couldn't have her home with us for this Easter, but Sunday morning reminded me that God's timing is perfect and she will walk into her forever home at the perfect time God has allowed.  So go ahead and "teach" your kids a lesson, maybe you too will end up the student!