Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I am

A follow up to yesterday's post.  So after all my over thinking I tend to then sway in my stance on who I am and what I stand for.  I find myself questioning the deeper question of who I am.  I am not one who enjoys conflict, and I have a heart that wants to make everything better for everyone. (I know...this is impossible) Due to this I want to be a people pleaser and so I am hesitant to say who I am in trepidation of people feeling like I am disagreeing with their choices, lifestyles, family choices...etc.  The truth is I have no strong beliefs that I someone know how to do it all the right way.  I even feel like as I am about to type this I must make a 1000 disclaimers on who I am not, to not offend or discourage another.  Deep is my list of I Am's

I am a Christian woman
I am a happy wife
I am a stay at home mom 
I am a homeschooling mom
I am a  writer
I am an optimist
I am a teenage mom and young bride
I am an adoptive momma
I am a big dreamer
I am a homebody

And exhale....... Its strange, why is it so hard to say who I am. It is not that I am embarrassed, I am proud of my life.  Its that in this day and age usually through the hidden identity of the internet, people can turn any I am into a controversy, a sinful thing, a problem, a reason to discourage another.  It is encouraging to see the list, its almost a way to re prioritize my mind.  If this is who I am, what am I going to do about this.  What in my life do I need to embrace and what do I need to let go?  Where should my focus be and where should I close the door because I am trying to live up to someone else's idea, expectation or approval?  I encourage you to make an I am list and share with me!!  We can be I am's together :)  No judging I promise! 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Over thinker!

I tend to be an over thinker..... even thinking of the word over thinker, I was over thinking what to call it.  Sometimes it has benefited me in a situation, but most of the time it becomes a hindrance. It can take me way too long to make a decision, I research and pray and research and ask and research and then I end up more confused and have to use 20,000 plus words with my husband to sort it out, and in the end just have to pick something and jump in.  And to my amazement life goes on....its taken me 35 years to figure this out, but no matter what we decide life goes on.  We spend months looking for the perfect houses, sorting out which house has which things we need, want.... Then we pick one, that closest to what works, but with its flaws and you know after a few weeks, the flaws are things we don't notice in life.  We have lived in small apartments to large houses and life goes on.  I watch my children navigate the teen years, so many choices....schools, colleges, careers, friendships, boyfriends and girlfriends and who is with who...  Its enough to remind me that I don't want to go back there :)  I remember those days, the excitement that anything is possible, mixed with the fear of making the wrong choices.  This over thinking would be behind my constant change of majors, I had enough credits for 2 bachelor degrees, but they were so scattered I only have one, but I have the bill for 2!!  Even or especially as a parent I want to do the best for my children, I want them to be successful, but dang it, those kids they have their own personalities, desires, idea of fun, senses of humor and so some days I am left, over thinking my parenting choices.  But I am learning that like all other situations in life, at some point you just pick one and life goes on.  So tonight it got me thinking, its a nice thing that life goes on, that we no matter how powerful we believe we are in the cosmos...can not make life not go on (even in death life goes on).  I like to see on Facebook how all my classmates have fared over these last 20 years.  There is something comforting seeing that everyone has found a path in life.  From the quiet mousy ones to the athletes, from nerd to popular, to grunge to preppy (yes I am a graduate of the 90s) they all found a way in life.  They all in some way have navigated the good and bad and life goes on.  It brought me comfort to know whatever path I or my kids choose, life will continue and we will find a new normal.  When I became a mom at 19 within a few months, life became normal. When we planned months for our wedding and got our first place, within a few months life became normal.  When we grew to have 2 and then 4 and then 7 and now 8 children, within a few months, life became normal.  When my husband and I lost our mothers and it seemed the pain would last, life became normal.  When we went from public school to homeschool, I was afraid to let the kids outside during school hours, but then over time life became normal.  So don't be afraid for what the future brings, or how you will manage or what to do, whatever you choose, life will go on, you will find a new normal.  The only real lasting decision we have to make is to choose to follow Jesus.  To choose to follow the one who sent his only son to take our sin away.  He has the rest in His hands.