It's OK to not be OK sometimes!

 I am happy to put 2020 behind me, and can even say some really good things happened, including a new son in law and grandbaby on the way.... However who knew back in February what the year had in store... I got a sneak peak as I tutor Chinese students and saw their schools closing down before it came here.  However, nothing could have prepared me for the vault of emotion this year would bring.  Having a multiple chronic conditions in addition to being on medications that compromise my immune system a pandemic was greatly concerning and frankly not in my agenda!  I planned for things like visiting Disney while struggling to walk some days, but not for cancelling the whole trip because Disney was shutting down.  I planned for a new type of holidays with half the kids being adults and the other half teens...but again not for multiple holidays full of masks and no hugs!  But I think the thing I was least prepared for was the lack of interaction...normal everyday interaction without the fear of compromising my breathing.  For my personal situation I can deal with fevers and stuffy noses (although I HATE them!) but Myasthenia Gravis affects the diaphragm..and basically when it flares I could go into a crisis when my body cannot get rid of enough carbon dioxide.  If this were to happen they intubate you to help you breathe.  My neurologist previous to the pandemic had started me on multiple medications because I have what is called bulbar weakness and trouble swallowing and I have to be careful to not get any food or liquid into my lungs causing pneumonia.  Because pneumonia puts pressure on the diaphragm which causes weakness which causes MG to flare and quickly can turn critical.  So I have had to be abnormally careful, that said I haven't gone to lunch or coffee dates with my friends, I haven't been to church in 10 months, I haven't gone grocery shopping (although now that I have discovered pick up I might now go back...) I haven't had a date with my husband, I live the life of my dog...eat sleep and go for a ride in the car....and I know so many others share my story.

That said...as time has gone on I have struggled with boredom, loneliness, fear of missing out, fear of the world moving on without me,  doubt in my faith, exhaustion, frustration, anger, disappointment...  all emotions...and part of me felt like a bad person for my feelings...like if I were stronger, or people have it worse then me, or could be worse....which on some level is all true...but as the months went on I also found it more difficult to concentrate on anything and felt so tired....I felt defeated as the rheumatoid arthritis that was in remission came back on and since July I have hobbled about.  Fast forward to a month or so ago...I have a visit where the rheumatologist says lets get you back on some ra meds and as he is running the bloodwork he finds some wonky results.  He sends me to a hematologist...which didn't know was also can oncologist and with my family's cancer history just about sent me down a hole of depression...When the red hot chili peppers make you cry you know you are low low low.....He ran some bloodwork mentioned it could be this chronic blood cancer. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to put stress on a stressful holiday, I only told a few people...but today I got all the results I am very very anemic but nothing else!!  Turns out I have had very low iron for a long time and its pretty much depleted....the exhaustion, the lack of concentration, the emotions........can't blame it entirely on this of course, but I walked out of that place with a huge sigh of relief.  Sometimes we think we are causing our own sadness...depression, frustration, but I am learning on this path that so much of it is out of our control...sometimes its medical, sometimes it unexpected pandemics...sometimes its the stupid choice we made (been there!)  But it was a wake up call today to remember to now beat myself up for having some tough weeks....IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK...just as long as you hang in there and know it won't last forever....Thankfully I have an amazing husband, kids and friends who have my back.  Community is vital....even when its distanced.....I miss my old life pre pandemic, but I also am appreciating my life more and more because I can't wait to rejoin it fully!!  So anyone else in the low places, lean on me....I can carry you at least a few feet!!  

Righteous in whose eyes?

I am going to say that while I do love a good competition, I can't say I love political competition.  Especially during 2020 when everything is already topsy turvy.  However something I have come to be thankful for is the idea the Bible gives us that God cares for our heart and intention much more then our actions.  I think even without the Bible we can as humans understand intention, the idea that a beggar steals bread is far different then an entitled person who can afford it stealing it.  We even have things like "justifiable murder".......so the idea is not foreign.  From Abraham to David to Rahab to Judas to Peter to Paul....none were absent of sin.  God called Abraham faithful even though he was a liar, however in the moment the lie was to protect, David was a man after God's own heart even though he stole another mans wife and arranged his murder.  Rahab was a prostitute, however t probably wasn't all she wanted to be, Judas lied and stole right in the presences of Jesus, Peter was prone to be violent when angered and cut off the ear of a guard to protect Jesus and Paul admits I do what I don't want to do.....  The Pharisees were doing all the right things, but Jesus himself said they were dirty on the inside, their intentions were no good.  So where am I going with this..  Its simple I can rest in the idea that I don't know what political future the US holds or the world for that matter, I can rest that regardless of who wins Jesus is control and has appointed them for a "time such as this"  I can vote based on my heart and intentions because God knows them.  He knows deep down how I long for everyone to be loved and cared for. He knows when I pick a side on a social topic if my heart is in it out of love for those people, true biblical love or if he calls me out because I am looking to feel better about myself.  I also can be confident that he knows the hearts of everyone around me.  So those who I know their heart do not have to agree with every political stance I take, we might be serving different parts of God's people...I can love them because I know God knows their heart and we as Christians need to show love and mercy above all else to one another.  Trusting in the belief we serve one God.  So even if on an issue it turns out I was wrong....perhaps I even sinned...God knew my heart and what I was trying to do and he will call me righteous. None of us will live truly righteous lives and while we strive to be more like our Creator, we must have grace for those around us.  We are called to introduce them to Christ and live our lives as an example, we are not called to "fix" or "shame" others.  If we believe God an introduction to something so incredible will change the heart of the man or woman and they will become whoever God has created them to be.

Our Stories, Our Songs....His Story, His Song

 As I was driving home from another doctors appointment this morning, a song on the radio sang this is my story this is my song....as I had just left an appointment where my veins did not want to cooperate with the nice lady with the needles and my arm was all bandaged as they searched for more blood to find out what is causing these aches and pains...I thought about all the years I thought about my plans for my stories and my songs...and now here in life I am living the actual story and song my life has become.  I don't say this in a negative way at all, it is all our lives really, we start out with what we think life will be and as we live it God unfolds his story within our lives.  The first 20 or so years I didn't see God as part of my story, I simply saw it as my own to do with what I pleased, with hard work I could do anything and yet with every accomplishment or disappointment it left me feeling discontent.  

Life is always easier to see in hindsight.  I can see how so many of my own plans would have not allowed me to have the life I have today.  All lives have ups and downs good times and bad, but knowing Jesus has a plan for this world and that I have a part to play has been the only thing that keeps me content throughout.  It has been a year for the ages....and I have noticed a pattern of discontent in the world...we want more time off but not too much time...we want large homes and all these things, but we do not want to be stuck inside with them regardless of cost....we want a family but we don't want so much time with family....we want peace but we want to be right....we want to be healthy but we still want the junk...we want to live out life carefree, but we want to live as long as we can.....we want to trust government, doctors, police...and yet we fear.....we want to truly love others, but we don't want to get too dirty....  I am guilty as the next.....  It reminded me that this life is not My Story....it never was....It was always His Story....I am just lucky enough to realize I am a part of it.  So if being a human pin cusion somedays is what He calls me too, or loving on my kids is on the agenda, or spending a day with my sore feet up watching tv with my high school boyfriend (no worries he became my husband..) is what he has me to do....then I am going to remember to be content.  

We don't have to fret on our purpose, we have to be in relationship with the Author of the story and content with the fantastic news that we are a part of His incredible story....even if sometimes we aren't the Wonder Woman...cuz I mean she didn't get to wear sweatpants a lot and that had to be a bummer!

Life in 2020

These few months have been extraordinary... It has caused all of us to reflect on things from pandemic to how we view racism in America.  For me it has been a personal journey through many thoughts and emotions.  It began with this pandemic.  The chronic disease I have affects the voluntary muscles, including my diaphragm which can cause me to be unable to breathe if it were to get weak.  To combat this weakness I take a medication that lowers my immune system, making my immune system compromised.  In a week I went from coffee visit with friends, taking my children to stores and doing all the shopping for the house to being told I have to stay in and limit my contact with others.  I was put in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation....if I  don't take my medication that lowers the immune system my diaphragm might weaken and I would need to be on a ventilator...which were currently in risk of being short of due to covid.  If I did take my medication I was highly at risk of catching covid and not being able to fight it, again needing a possible ventilator.  Neither seemed like a good option.  At first it was OK, it felt like we were all in this together.  It seemed on the outside that we all wanted to support each other (minus toilet paper and yeast hoarding..)  Much of my family is in the northeast and many were telling me how terrible it was.  At the time it didn't seem as bad in the south. 

We adjusted to school at home and church on tv and zoom meetings...but then it seemed the hair grew.... in just a few weeks, I started seeing the economy falter and my heart was sad for so many out of work and we did need to do something. People began to protest with guns in the open over opening up hair salons and other places.  I wanted to open as much as anyone (remember I have house of teens!) but I also knew the risk and started thinking that I might not get to see my grandchildren someday or see my kids graduate high school.   So we began to open up little by little and I began to see the all together come apart....masks became the issue.  I saw much on social media about peoples freedom to wear or not wear a mask.... To be fair I hate them too, they are uncomfortable, but I also am torn because I like breathing on my own.  Again I can understand the sentiment, but how some people represented their views was deeply hurtful and troubling.  It seemed as though suddenly I was disposable along with my dad, step mother, nephew and friends who are in high risk groups.  Suddenly I was un American because I want to live and I want them to live and enjoy the freedom.  Everyone else's right to things that are mostly luxuries made me feel invisible and eventually it was clear Texas is moving on with you.

Then I watched George Floyd die on twitter...  Again I was a Live PD fan and my daughter wants to be a police officer and I have been blessed to have great encounters with police.  However what I saw was  sad people, people who for much longer then in have felt dispensable.  Sure people don't want people to die, but if they have to for others comfort and luxury to not be interrupted its the American way.....or so it seems.  Instead of compassion I saw people that I have thought I had known come down and try to disprove that these people have a right to their feelings.   They have become so interested in protected what they have always known and fearful of being wrong they refuse to even consider that these people have a purpose in their movement.  I heard my children really express how their race affects them and how they felt.  Being in the middle of my own moments of feeling "forgotten"  I could relate to that. 

It stirred my heart to examine how I had been apathetic towards others and how I might have been  hurting others by my either outright stance or being attributed to others who hold a stance.  I started to really examine who is saying what and what do they have to lose or gain.  Remember I have just watched people cheer that my life and those I love are worth less then a face mask or ordering in to your expensive home and enjoying all the things you bought.  For much longer people have adjusted to a life where they know their culture, hairstyles, music, worship styles.... is worth less then others.  In fact it is well know the more you make it  "American" (white or European) the better you have of being heard.  Just in the same way the more I just show up places or ignore my doctors advice and attend this or that event, I am more "American" not believing the lies.  For some not believing the lies does not mean if you are wrong you die...for me its that.  For my black, latino or LGBT brothers and sisters they too can trust that we are believing a lie and its all fine....but if they are wrong its their life on the line.  So before we dismiss others whose shoes we are not walking in...let us ask ourselves what is on the line for me and what is on the line for them......if you are reading this and not in any of those groups, the worst that people are seeking is equal....not more...not to enslave...not to make your marriage or faith illegal just equal....and maybe put on a face mask ;)  For those in those groups my heart goes out to you, this is a defining moment, if we lay down and give in....lives are on the line..it could be my son or daughter.

Our place

I have had a lot of time to think .... you know quarantine and all.... and I have been  thinking a lot about how we as humans try to find our place in life. How we fit in this puzzle of life.  From childhood where we seek out how to find friends to finding a perfect job to making a certain life...  It can be very overwhelming when any one of those areas is pulled out from under you, whether its your job, your community, your health or a number of other things.  We can lose a piece or a piece changes and we find ourselves figuring how we can fit now, or what our worth is or any number of things.  Many people turn to suicide, violence, drugs, depression....etc... because they can't find their place anymore.  However I began to think about if I had another day with my mom or my brother what life event or purpose would I want them here to "do".  I have realized I just want to sit at the table with them.  Hear them make some jokes, tell them about my day hear about their day.  I don't care what they can do or produce or solve....I just want them, as God made them..imperfections and all....  We are not what we can do, we are who we are and we forgot so many times that just being there and be who we are is everything to someone.  Just knowing you can pick up the phone and tell them something or sit across the table and listen to the funny stories of the past.  So if anyone is wondering what their purpose is, how they can or can't "contribute" if they are worth it..YOU ARE!! We want you across the table, we want to see that text, we want to reminisce about the past.  You are not the sum of your trials or accomplishments, you are uniquely made for moments and maybe right now it doesn't feel like a moment worth remembering, there are so many in the past and so many yet to come. 

Thank you

In this time of craziness with the Corona virus, I want to say thank you.  I am one of those high category people that are at great risk.  Not just my diagnosis of myasthenia gravis puts me at risk, but the medications I take lower my immune response.  I want to say that I am very grateful to see the amount of people who are taking this all in stride and not telling those like me with chronic conditions, those with cancer and others whose treatment put them at risk and mostly the elderly that we are not valuable.  I know that we hear most people who get this virus will be OK and I know how disappointing all these cancelled events are.  I also realize the financial and educational impacts these closings have.  It is very humbling to see that people are willing to look at the at risk populations and tell us we are valuable.  No one asks to be in a high risk situation, it is something we walk with daily and learn to adapt to a world that we don't always feel like we fit into.  In times like this when I see neighbors reaching out to make sure people have what they need and schools protecting those in their community it is a beautiful remind that we are not forgotten.  In many places in the past and today certain populations are treated as though they are worthless because they are viewed as being able to give less to society.  I am proud to be part of a community that is coming together to see that human value trumps financial gain.  So I just wanted to say thank you for those of you who are being more careful, washing your hands more often, wearing gloves in places of service and staying home when you feel sick.  For those like me in the situation of being a recipient of this grace, remember to be thankful when it starts to feel a little isolating and be grateful when you see someone do something that ultimately says they value your life.

Whips and Suffering

It has been a hard week.  I lost my brother to cancer last Sunday.  While we knew he had cancer we never expected it to move this fast and literally within a week of hearing there was an issue I was saying goodbye.  I have run through so many emotions, but today as I was driving I began to think about the pain that comes from this world.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it agonizes.  It got me thinking about upcoming Good Friday.  My Savior being whipped over and over, skin tearing from his flesh, knowing what was to come, knowing how heavy the burden and each lash bringing immediate pain. 

God never promised we wouldn't suffer, in fact His word often reminds us in this world we will suffer.  It even says to count it all joy when we suffer.  We serve a king who knows what its like and can relate to the suffering. 

Sometimes in my life it has felt like a whip has been taken to my soul, sometimes like now and when my mother died it was an agonizing lash, sometimes when I was diagnosed with numerous chronic conditions its painful, when I suffered a miscarriage and struggled in pregnancy and when my marriage was struggling the lashes seemed to carry on and on.  However as I stood and took my lashes with my mouth silenced due to fate, I followed in the steps of my Father.  I know who wins the war and I won't let the lashes of the enemy's sinful world change my steps. 

The enemy may laugh and mock while the tears run down my cheeks and the lashes may feel so deep I can't move forward or so constant I can't stand up to carry my cross, but again my Savior gave me an example, he is there to help me lift it and keep going.  The enemy's came to steal, lie, kill and destroy.  Those lies did not write my brother's story and it shall not write mine.  I shall stand as he did bravely taking lash after lash, standing silent because I know the victory can not compare to the pain inflicted.