As I type I am sitting here trying to decide if I am cold or hot, having a fever on a school day can make a girl tired! Its days like today I realize how God is in the details and how I am reminded to take everything, every moment to Him alone. For someone like me who likes to just get it all done and be in a regular routine I often forget to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Its spring which means wrapping up the school year, preparing for the next, planning some fun summer things and hopefully making progress in our adoption. In all those areas I always think I have it figured out and then we get another curve ball where I can choose to get flustered and distracted or I can choose to see God once again telling me to trust him. In our house I am constantly telling the kids that I can be trusted with what they need. Some of our children from more chaotic backgrounds tend to have a hard time believing that. To me it seems so easy to accept, everyday its provided therefore they can believe I will provide tomorrow. They usually need to see it or at least get constant reminders that it will still come again. For some they have lived with the reality that those who are expected to provide don't always come through. However from my adult perspective, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not like those who have let them down and that my promises are trustworthy. Its hard for me though to make them believe me due to their previous experiences. It hit me today that I am no different. In the past I have placed me sense of trust in worldly things that have let me down, that didn't provide for my innermost needs. I wrongly placed me hopes in those things temporary, as my children had in their orphanages and foster homes instead of whats eternal. I find now how that has tainted my own faith. As I look at my children and know they can forever trust my love and provision, my Father in heaven looks at me and says the same. Like my children I wrongly put God in the role of those things that had replaced him in my past and hold back the faith I could put in him because I fear that I may miss something or lose something or hurt. However I am learning that He can be trusted with it all, with all my thoughts, my fears, my anxieties. I can trust that his way may not look like my way but it is He who knows best, His ways are not tainted by the world or by sin like mine. His ways are perfect and I can rest in that as I pray my children can rest in knowing they can be children and rest in me to provide their needs. When they rest in that they will realize the blessings that come from simply being loved....and so can I.
I have sometimes heard people say and have even had the thought myself, when I meet God someday I have some questions or I am going to find out the whys.... Randomly I was thinking about this the other day in a quiet moment in the car after dropping my daughter off at her music lesson. I began to think about that and thought ....really... we will enter heaven and we will be coherent and unaweinspired (not sure if I just made up that word..) to ask God a whats up with that question? I thought about my mom that I lost a few years back and thought if I knew I could spend time with her today even if I knew I could spend many times with her, being apart from her from so long I would not begin with ...so mom what was up with that time you didn't let me.... or what were you thinking when you let me wear... I would embrace her, I would probably collapse into her as I did as a child. I would take it all in, I would tell her about my children, the grandchildren she didn't get the privlidge to meet on this side. I would tell her about my accomplishes in life. Not list off the things I didn't get, didn't have or didn't think was fair. I would value each precious minute we had. I would want to hear her laughter and see her eyes crinkle up when she smiled. Remember I only spent 25 years with her and I have only been apart from her for some years. Then I turned my thought to my Jesus, He who has known me since he formed me in his mind. He who has walked by my side for my last 33 years. He who has saved my body and my soul. He whom I haven't had to privledge to sit with in heaven. How much more will I be ready to fall at his feet to collapse into Him as His child. To breathe in the scent of God and revele in his beautiful light. How I will want to tell him how I spent my days and see him beam when we speak of His children whom he gave me to love. Let this be what spurs my days on, doing the right thing, leaving what I sometimes want for me for what will make Him smile. Thankful for the waiting arms.