Life in 2020

These few months have been extraordinary... It has caused all of us to reflect on things from pandemic to how we view racism in America.  For me it has been a personal journey through many thoughts and emotions.  It began with this pandemic.  The chronic disease I have affects the voluntary muscles, including my diaphragm which can cause me to be unable to breathe if it were to get weak.  To combat this weakness I take a medication that lowers my immune system, making my immune system compromised.  In a week I went from coffee visit with friends, taking my children to stores and doing all the shopping for the house to being told I have to stay in and limit my contact with others.  I was put in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation....if I  don't take my medication that lowers the immune system my diaphragm might weaken and I would need to be on a ventilator...which were currently in risk of being short of due to covid.  If I did take my medication I was highly at risk of catching covid and not being able to fight it, again needing a possible ventilator.  Neither seemed like a good option.  At first it was OK, it felt like we were all in this together.  It seemed on the outside that we all wanted to support each other (minus toilet paper and yeast hoarding..)  Much of my family is in the northeast and many were telling me how terrible it was.  At the time it didn't seem as bad in the south. 

We adjusted to school at home and church on tv and zoom meetings...but then it seemed the hair grew.... in just a few weeks, I started seeing the economy falter and my heart was sad for so many out of work and we did need to do something. People began to protest with guns in the open over opening up hair salons and other places.  I wanted to open as much as anyone (remember I have house of teens!) but I also knew the risk and started thinking that I might not get to see my grandchildren someday or see my kids graduate high school.   So we began to open up little by little and I began to see the all together come apart....masks became the issue.  I saw much on social media about peoples freedom to wear or not wear a mask.... To be fair I hate them too, they are uncomfortable, but I also am torn because I like breathing on my own.  Again I can understand the sentiment, but how some people represented their views was deeply hurtful and troubling.  It seemed as though suddenly I was disposable along with my dad, step mother, nephew and friends who are in high risk groups.  Suddenly I was un American because I want to live and I want them to live and enjoy the freedom.  Everyone else's right to things that are mostly luxuries made me feel invisible and eventually it was clear Texas is moving on with you.

Then I watched George Floyd die on twitter...  Again I was a Live PD fan and my daughter wants to be a police officer and I have been blessed to have great encounters with police.  However what I saw was  sad people, people who for much longer then in have felt dispensable.  Sure people don't want people to die, but if they have to for others comfort and luxury to not be interrupted its the American way.....or so it seems.  Instead of compassion I saw people that I have thought I had known come down and try to disprove that these people have a right to their feelings.   They have become so interested in protected what they have always known and fearful of being wrong they refuse to even consider that these people have a purpose in their movement.  I heard my children really express how their race affects them and how they felt.  Being in the middle of my own moments of feeling "forgotten"  I could relate to that. 

It stirred my heart to examine how I had been apathetic towards others and how I might have been  hurting others by my either outright stance or being attributed to others who hold a stance.  I started to really examine who is saying what and what do they have to lose or gain.  Remember I have just watched people cheer that my life and those I love are worth less then a face mask or ordering in to your expensive home and enjoying all the things you bought.  For much longer people have adjusted to a life where they know their culture, hairstyles, music, worship styles.... is worth less then others.  In fact it is well know the more you make it  "American" (white or European) the better you have of being heard.  Just in the same way the more I just show up places or ignore my doctors advice and attend this or that event, I am more "American" not believing the lies.  For some not believing the lies does not mean if you are wrong you die...for me its that.  For my black, latino or LGBT brothers and sisters they too can trust that we are believing a lie and its all fine....but if they are wrong its their life on the line.  So before we dismiss others whose shoes we are not walking in...let us ask ourselves what is on the line for me and what is on the line for them......if you are reading this and not in any of those groups, the worst that people are seeking is equal....not more...not to enslave...not to make your marriage or faith illegal just equal....and maybe put on a face mask ;)  For those in those groups my heart goes out to you, this is a defining moment, if we lay down and give in....lives are on the line..it could be my son or daughter.