He didn't have to save me

The other night as I was laying down to go to sleep, I had a very vivid memory. Not sure why it came to mind, but I was remembering a particular night when I was pregnant with Alex. I was 26 weeks along and had started having contractions. They sent me to the hospital where they gave me some medication to stop the contractions, soon they realized it wasn't working and the contractions were still coming. They eventually transferred me to a bigger hospital in Boston where they had a NICU for babies this premature just in case. So fast forward a day they have me on a new medication magnesium sulfate...awful stuff! While on it I seemed to have aspirated and got fluid in my lungs the fluid increased greatly until it was in my lungs and around my heart, so they transferred me to the respiratory ICU. So here I am 6 months pregnant a non-re breather mask inflated on my face, crazy stockings on my legs that keep inflating, a maternity nurse next to my side 24 hours a day monitoring Alex in my womb. This night that I was thinking about was a scary night, I had fallen asleep when all of the sudden all sorts of beeping noise starts going. I realized I couldn't take a breath, at least not a very deep one. Nurses and doctors came running in and all I remember is total confusion people telling me to calm down adjusting this and that and putting stuff in my IV. I remember being scared for me, for my baby and for my family. Fast forward shortly after they told Randy I probably didn't have much longer and they plan was to take Alex by c-section if it came to that and try to save her at 26 weeks. Mind you I was 19 and Randy was 21. This wasn't quite the life we had planned. Something humbling about going from being a 19 year old girlfriend to a 19 year old asking said boyfriend to help with a bed pan. Anyway I was thinking about what it must have felt like for my parents, they sat in the waiting room and came in to visit and cheer me up. I can't imagine what its like to see your child with that going on. Miraculously, and I can say that because its what the doctor said, the fluid started to go away, they didn't know why or what had happened, but a few days later I was stable, still pregnant and ready to go home. I wasn't saved at the time,I had no relationship with Jesus. I was thinking this week about that very fact. I wasn't just a few moments from dying, I was also a few moments from being eternally separated from Jesus. I wasn't a bad person as some would describe, I was in sin, the very fact of being pregnant before marriage can attest to that. However God never says in His Word that we have to be decent or good enough for salvation. He actually agrees, yep we all sin, no one is immune. He already said that the wages of sin is death. Way before I sinned this was His way. I don't pretend to know the whys of His ways because He tells us His ways are higher then our ways, so it would be futile for me to rationalize it. I do know God is proven to be just, fair, righteous and since he can't contradict his nature, his ways are true. So back to my thinking. In my sin he saved my life. He had no obligation to save me that day, no obligation to save Alex. In fact weird enough when I woke up after that awful night, the song stuck in my head Love Lifted Me. It wasn't a song I listened to and I had no idea where it came from, but it played in my mind. A few years later I miscarried a baby and I begged God to save that baby, it didn't happen and then 2 weeks later I learned I was pregnant with AJ. At the end of that pregnancy at 34 weeks I developed HELLP syndrome a severe form of pre eclampsia. Again my life was at risk and the only option was to deliver AJ, and at 4lbs 6ozs AJ was born. He was in the NICU with tubes in his throat, I was in my hospital bed sobbing feeling like I had let him down. The doctors said he might be in the hospital for up to 6 weeks. His stay ended up being 5 days. He grew, he breathed on his own and he ate, and we were able to bring him home. Again in my sin God had no obligation to heal me or him, but he choose too. Shortly after that my brother explained to me what Jesus meant when he said we must be born again of the spirit. I prayed to God confessed I was a sinner in need of a savior, that I couldn't do anything to "get" salvation, I couldn't earn it or create it. I needed Jesus to enter my life and accept what He did on the cross and turn from things I was doing and follow Him.

Why its all important. Jesus promises in the Bible that those whom call on Him for salvation can never be plucked from his hand. That His act of dying on the cross is the only way sin can be forgiven and the only way we have access to the Father. I am not making it up! Look in your Bible and see! God gave me a second and then a third chance to live. I have surrendered my life to the one who saved mine both physically and spiritually. I have had my eyes opened this week to the depth of my gratitude. He didn't have to save me, but he did. I hope I never lose sight of this and live my life as someone who has nothing else to live for but His purpose and I hope my story leads someone else to know Christ. I am always happy to answer any questions about what it means to follow God and what my faith is all about!

One school year down

We have finished out our school year. One year of homeschooling behind us. It was kind of a rollar coaster this year. Some days I felt like it was working and other days I wistfully watched the school bus drive by. I did enjoy watching my kids finally grasp a concept and get excited about what we were learning about. It took time to get used to being the teacher and the mom, knowing when to let them work it out or when to help. Biggest accomplishments this year was getting Hannah caught up to grade level, she was severly behind. Getting JD, Riley and Caley reading and teaching Alex and AJ about amazing missionaries! My favorite thing this year was learning myself about the life George Mueller. We asked the kids what they wanted to do for next year. They all picked homeschooling again so we will once again picking out curriculum and getting ready for next year!

We also finally found a house to buy and we are closing mid June. This house has room for us to have a room specifically for homeschooling, which is fantastic! Its also close to our rental house, so nothing has to change (doctors, dentist, library....). With 7 kids this is a huge blessing! So in the next 4 weeks we gotta pack up and get to the new house. This will be our last move for a long long time, we choose carefully a house we can grow in and in an area we can put down real roots. After almost 12 years of marriage and too many moves, we have never done that!

Date Night

For the past 9 years Randy and I have made one night a week date night. Having young children for the past 9 years and for many years little extra cash we created our date night. Usually Friday nights we order in (or make something we like that the kids don't....very frugal!) The kids get to eat leftovers from the week (again frugal!). We put the kids to bed, our kids when they are younger go to bed at 7. Now the older kids stay up till 9, but they are sent to the game room and allowed to watch a movie or tv, the only night its allowed. After that we either wait for the delivery man or make dinner. Sometimes we will rent a movie and pull up some tray tables to the couch or we will catch up on DVR shows. Other times we will pull out Scrabble or play cards while listening to music. It is how Randy learned that I am quite knowledgeable about the music of the 50s and 60s. I grew up with a mom who loved that music and I grew to love it too. Or we will switch to the 80s or 90s music and relive good memories, or make fun of each other for actually liking that song (cough Abba cough). Its a good time for us to remember that parenting is this season of our life, but our commitment we made at our wedding is forever. Its also good to do something fun and just hang out together. I highly suggest it for any couple or even single parent. Take a night any night but make it a regular thing!

Mothers Day!

I was treated to a paper crown, homemade necklace and multiple homemade cards. A feast of french toast and bacon was made for me and my sweet husband took all the kids to the playground so I could have some quiet time. It was one of those days I try to stop and take in all the memories. I know how quickly life changes, I know how blessed I am to be surrounded by my gaggle of kids. I know that despite the drama some days that all 7 kids love me and my husband is a true partner in my life. Someday they will all be grown up and maybe be moms of their own. I still plan on having as many as possible gather at my house, just like my mom did. There is always the conflicting emotions on this day though in my heart. My own mother died 8 years ago. She was a great mom and though I had my own kid dramas with her, she never gave up on me. Even when I walked in the door 19 and pregnant, she wasn't thrilled (at all....) but she stood by my decisions and loved me anyway. I wish I could have appreciated her more when she was here, I tear up just typing this. So many times in my quest to be independent I pushed her away. I miss the relationship we had. I lived at home until I was married at 20. I grew up her baby, I was never a big one to leave home. I was content sitting and playing scrabble or watching tv with my parents. Even after I moved out I would call my mom multiple times a day and we spent almost every weekend at my parents house. When I was pregnant with Alex and sitting in the respiratory ICU not knowing my or Alex's future, she walked in with a headband with big blinking red lights. She found them in the gift shop and just wanted to make me smile. She drove me to the hospital when I went into the labor (crazy through windy roads and tried to pass a truck!!!) She loved Randy like a mother. She was the first one to welcome us home with AJ, waiting at our little apartment with Alex having it all decorated with balloons for us. She watched Alex while I went back to college without complaining. Now I see mothers and daughters shopping (her favorite activity, but only if its clearance) and my heart aches. I hope someday I can be half as loving as she was! Happy Mothers Day!!

Generation Parent Guilt

I have been pondering parenting lately. What I am doing right, what I am doing wrong...what works what doesn't...that sort of thing. I despise parenting books, I prefer to look towards people I know or people in history that have qualities in life or parenting that I find valuable. What I have seen is we are generation of parent guilters. Perhaps its the access to information that nags at us. A fifteen minute trip on the internet you can quickly find your child should be involved in sports, music, activities, but just enough and not too much and you should be firm but not too firm. You should give them freedom but too much damages. You should homeschool unless you want them to be normal is socialization in which you should send them to school except don't let them be bullied. You will see how testing in schools and big classes are hurting their education, but sheltering them in a homeschool environment doesn't allow them to achieve full potential. You will find that its damaging to not touch them, but it is damaging to hover. We don't want the roots to be too deep or the wings to be too wide........

I stopped and realized a few things. One parenting has taken on so many different forms in the past. Some generations had families working the farms, some years had kids who played in the streets till the sun went down, some years had wars raging around and fathers off to war. However we have survived.........generations after generations of people that have quirks, histories and pasts. Yet somehow we seem to think that the harder we try we somehow will overcome all history and figure out how to parent near perfect children, who somehow will avoid problems and mistakes. What we find is a generation of parents who carry guilt. If I had done this or that. If I had been home more or if I had left them alone. If I had given them this or not given so much. If I had pushed them harder or pushed them less. If we didn't truly believe parents could achieve "perfect" children through "perfect" parenting we wouldn't be intrigued by shows like "Worlds Strictest Parents" or "Supernanny". I myself fall in the trap of thinking if only I had or I would or I can........Truth be told, there is no secret no special formula no perfect method. No guru has the answers. If we want the answers it comes down to the same answer for every area of our lives, the Bible. I have learned through life that my responsibility is to living for Jesus and studying and following the Bible. Through that my children will get what they need from me. It won't look like your family or a neighbors family or a friends family but I can be confident our kids will all become adults who all know how to navigate life. For some it will seem easier, but it nary is for them on the inside. We all have to find our way, regardless of our parenting.

Side note......I do not condone bad parenting :) In that I mean abusive type! I just think parents need to drop the guilt and worry and realize that if we are truly giving our best to our children, our children will turn out OK in the end :)

Brothers!

Its been awesome for me to see AJ and JD's relationship develop over the past few months. AJ was so excited to be getting brothers when we adopted after having only 3 sisters to play with. Only to find out as new brothers do, that playing with a 3 and a 1 year old isn't always as you dreamed, they eat your legos, drool and generally break your stuff. But somehow I am seeing firsthand when brothers are then 7 and 10 the fun begins! They have spent countless hours in the backyard playing football, baseball and with nerf guns. JD is loving the individual attention of his brother and AJ is soaking up having someone to play the boy games with! No one stopping to make tea or trying to play catch in their fanciest dress..... I have to say I don't always get the way they play, only having been a sister all my life. Things like throwing each other onto the ground and turning a wagon into a tank where they are firing on invisible bad guys. Brothers are great and I am sure in 2 or 3 years it will be the 3 brothers out their tackling each other. Good times for the boys!

Life is going on

I have been such a blog slacker! I do love to blog but lately I find myself mentally checked out by 5pm. Therefore once I have a quiet few minutes in the night I am afraid all I can produce is some sort of buzzing noise, or at least thats what I am hearing in my brain. To get caught up, homeschooling is going well. Caley is reading at a 4th grade level (in 1st grade!), Hannah is caught up to grade level, she was almost a full year behind in August, Alex started 9th grade English (she is in 7th grade), AJ is pulling an A in 6th grade math in 5th grade, Riley is starting to read, JD has made awesome progress and is on grade level (last year he was behind with an aide with him all day). So academically its working. Caley, Riley JD and Zeke have memorized all the books of the Old Testament and are working on the New Testament. Here's the kicker I have spent this whole school year freaking out....thinking I am forgetting something or that they aren't listening or that they are falling behind. I have spent NUMEROUS days in Randy's office in tears because I can't get through to so and so or because of so and so's attitude. I think I ask him once a week are you sure God is asking this of us, because hoowee do I miss that big yellow bus! I am still watching my sweet nephews, until the end of May. We also are trying to buy a new house. We found a great house, perfect in so many ways, just waiting for the appraisal to come through (this may be a problem). And lastly the wonderful IRS is auditing our taxes. They implemented a new tax refund for adoptions (it used to be a credit). Now that its a refund we are due a huge chunk of money, however due to this they want receipts and proof of our adoptions........so we have 30 days (really 25 since its post marked a week ago) to get together cancelled checks and receipts for 5 adoption from 2006 and 2007! Wait till they see the pile we are sending! Really God is taking care of it all and I wish I could say I did life with grace........but really the IRS letter 2 days ago sent me in a torrent of tears and I know that the appraisal results could do the same. I am sure on a tough day next week I will swear homeschooling is just an evil ploy to ruin my life :) Yet just when I am ready to through up my hands and quit God sends me an angel, whether is Randy encouraging me, a kid saying mom PLEASE don't send us back to school, I LOVE being homeschooled, or a simple mommy don't go I will miss you as I head out for a 5 minute break at the grocery store. We all have stress, no one is immune, I am learning there is no way to avoid the mini occasional meltdowns and luckily Jesus is big enough to take my temper tantrums when I swear He forgot my situation. So life goes on, muddy floors, sticky fingers and hope for number 8 to come home from Liberia............I am hanging on to the hope my Savior promised.....Life in abundance !!