Anguish

I have a confession, I had let my fire burn low, I have not stoked the flames. I have had a passion for children for as long as I can remember. As I got older I tried to take it on, tried to fight for those who have no voice. I believed that I could impact the world one little child at a time. I could not look at pictures of orphans without feeling my heart break. We adopted 2 little girls and I thought this would quiet this inner voice, but the voice got louder, we adopted 3 more children and again I thought surely I have done my part and this voice will quiet. Only again it got louder. Yet to quiet this feeling I pulled in the worlds thoughts, I cannot save them all, there will always be more, its too hard, I will be doing all of my children a disservice if we keep bringing more home or if we go out to where they are. Yes it quieted, yes I was able to pretend it wasn't there, but I also saw a large portion of who God made me dissipate. I saw the quiet stillness of indifference sneak in, the coldness not just chill my passion for orphans but also my passion for life. I never had a word but passion for the feelings in my soul, it didn't seem like the right word. Passion should feel invigorating, amazing and lively. This was more of a sadness that drove me, a deep sense of injustice that I could not remove from my inner most being. Then I watched this video clip and it summed up what it is I have felt, what I have tried to ignore, that which captures my soul........anguish.........anguish over the children, the most helpless people. The tiny Zeke's in Africa who will take their last breath today because no one cares, the JD who is drinking from a dirty river and worms are invading his stomach and taking the tiny nutrients he needs to live. The Hannah who cannot find a soul who cares and turns her life to prostitution to sell her body to the highest bidder and in the process lose her dignity. The Caley and Riley who will grow up in the projects and find drugs a good way to take away the struggles of where they grow up. The drugs which will lead them too to crime, prostitution and jail. The Alex and AJ's who will grow up with it all and never be able to see those on the other side, who can be so blinded by the things of this world, that they never feel the need to look to a Savior, who live so comfortably that they cannot comprehend that they are poor in Spirit and are just as in need as those in Africa. We would never admit we don't care, but oh we don't. We can live as though these people aren't there, that these problems don't exist that we can't fix it all so why try attitude! Oh Lord forgive mankind for living in a world where we can overlook the brokenness of the world and still decide that our comfort and happiness is paramount! For the child I have in Liberia waiting on governments to move, for the 5 children who will spend this Christmas in a group home, my anguish has overflowed and my heart has again become raw for the fatherless.