It's OK to not be OK sometimes!

 I am happy to put 2020 behind me, and can even say some really good things happened, including a new son in law and grandbaby on the way.... However who knew back in February what the year had in store... I got a sneak peak as I tutor Chinese students and saw their schools closing down before it came here.  However, nothing could have prepared me for the vault of emotion this year would bring.  Having a multiple chronic conditions in addition to being on medications that compromise my immune system a pandemic was greatly concerning and frankly not in my agenda!  I planned for things like visiting Disney while struggling to walk some days, but not for cancelling the whole trip because Disney was shutting down.  I planned for a new type of holidays with half the kids being adults and the other half teens...but again not for multiple holidays full of masks and no hugs!  But I think the thing I was least prepared for was the lack of interaction...normal everyday interaction without the fear of compromising my breathing.  For my personal situation I can deal with fevers and stuffy noses (although I HATE them!) but Myasthenia Gravis affects the diaphragm..and basically when it flares I could go into a crisis when my body cannot get rid of enough carbon dioxide.  If this were to happen they intubate you to help you breathe.  My neurologist previous to the pandemic had started me on multiple medications because I have what is called bulbar weakness and trouble swallowing and I have to be careful to not get any food or liquid into my lungs causing pneumonia.  Because pneumonia puts pressure on the diaphragm which causes weakness which causes MG to flare and quickly can turn critical.  So I have had to be abnormally careful, that said I haven't gone to lunch or coffee dates with my friends, I haven't been to church in 10 months, I haven't gone grocery shopping (although now that I have discovered pick up I might now go back...) I haven't had a date with my husband, I live the life of my dog...eat sleep and go for a ride in the car....and I know so many others share my story.

That said...as time has gone on I have struggled with boredom, loneliness, fear of missing out, fear of the world moving on without me,  doubt in my faith, exhaustion, frustration, anger, disappointment...  all emotions...and part of me felt like a bad person for my feelings...like if I were stronger, or people have it worse then me, or could be worse....which on some level is all true...but as the months went on I also found it more difficult to concentrate on anything and felt so tired....I felt defeated as the rheumatoid arthritis that was in remission came back on and since July I have hobbled about.  Fast forward to a month or so ago...I have a visit where the rheumatologist says lets get you back on some ra meds and as he is running the bloodwork he finds some wonky results.  He sends me to a hematologist...which didn't know was also can oncologist and with my family's cancer history just about sent me down a hole of depression...When the red hot chili peppers make you cry you know you are low low low.....He ran some bloodwork mentioned it could be this chronic blood cancer. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to put stress on a stressful holiday, I only told a few people...but today I got all the results I am very very anemic but nothing else!!  Turns out I have had very low iron for a long time and its pretty much depleted....the exhaustion, the lack of concentration, the emotions........can't blame it entirely on this of course, but I walked out of that place with a huge sigh of relief.  Sometimes we think we are causing our own sadness...depression, frustration, but I am learning on this path that so much of it is out of our control...sometimes its medical, sometimes it unexpected pandemics...sometimes its the stupid choice we made (been there!)  But it was a wake up call today to remember to now beat myself up for having some tough weeks....IT IS OK TO NOT BE OK...just as long as you hang in there and know it won't last forever....Thankfully I have an amazing husband, kids and friends who have my back.  Community is vital....even when its distanced.....I miss my old life pre pandemic, but I also am appreciating my life more and more because I can't wait to rejoin it fully!!  So anyone else in the low places, lean on me....I can carry you at least a few feet!!  

Righteous in whose eyes?

I am going to say that while I do love a good competition, I can't say I love political competition.  Especially during 2020 when everything is already topsy turvy.  However something I have come to be thankful for is the idea the Bible gives us that God cares for our heart and intention much more then our actions.  I think even without the Bible we can as humans understand intention, the idea that a beggar steals bread is far different then an entitled person who can afford it stealing it.  We even have things like "justifiable murder".......so the idea is not foreign.  From Abraham to David to Rahab to Judas to Peter to Paul....none were absent of sin.  God called Abraham faithful even though he was a liar, however in the moment the lie was to protect, David was a man after God's own heart even though he stole another mans wife and arranged his murder.  Rahab was a prostitute, however t probably wasn't all she wanted to be, Judas lied and stole right in the presences of Jesus, Peter was prone to be violent when angered and cut off the ear of a guard to protect Jesus and Paul admits I do what I don't want to do.....  The Pharisees were doing all the right things, but Jesus himself said they were dirty on the inside, their intentions were no good.  So where am I going with this..  Its simple I can rest in the idea that I don't know what political future the US holds or the world for that matter, I can rest that regardless of who wins Jesus is control and has appointed them for a "time such as this"  I can vote based on my heart and intentions because God knows them.  He knows deep down how I long for everyone to be loved and cared for. He knows when I pick a side on a social topic if my heart is in it out of love for those people, true biblical love or if he calls me out because I am looking to feel better about myself.  I also can be confident that he knows the hearts of everyone around me.  So those who I know their heart do not have to agree with every political stance I take, we might be serving different parts of God's people...I can love them because I know God knows their heart and we as Christians need to show love and mercy above all else to one another.  Trusting in the belief we serve one God.  So even if on an issue it turns out I was wrong....perhaps I even sinned...God knew my heart and what I was trying to do and he will call me righteous. None of us will live truly righteous lives and while we strive to be more like our Creator, we must have grace for those around us.  We are called to introduce them to Christ and live our lives as an example, we are not called to "fix" or "shame" others.  If we believe God an introduction to something so incredible will change the heart of the man or woman and they will become whoever God has created them to be.

Our Stories, Our Songs....His Story, His Song

 As I was driving home from another doctors appointment this morning, a song on the radio sang this is my story this is my song....as I had just left an appointment where my veins did not want to cooperate with the nice lady with the needles and my arm was all bandaged as they searched for more blood to find out what is causing these aches and pains...I thought about all the years I thought about my plans for my stories and my songs...and now here in life I am living the actual story and song my life has become.  I don't say this in a negative way at all, it is all our lives really, we start out with what we think life will be and as we live it God unfolds his story within our lives.  The first 20 or so years I didn't see God as part of my story, I simply saw it as my own to do with what I pleased, with hard work I could do anything and yet with every accomplishment or disappointment it left me feeling discontent.  

Life is always easier to see in hindsight.  I can see how so many of my own plans would have not allowed me to have the life I have today.  All lives have ups and downs good times and bad, but knowing Jesus has a plan for this world and that I have a part to play has been the only thing that keeps me content throughout.  It has been a year for the ages....and I have noticed a pattern of discontent in the world...we want more time off but not too much time...we want large homes and all these things, but we do not want to be stuck inside with them regardless of cost....we want a family but we don't want so much time with family....we want peace but we want to be right....we want to be healthy but we still want the junk...we want to live out life carefree, but we want to live as long as we can.....we want to trust government, doctors, police...and yet we fear.....we want to truly love others, but we don't want to get too dirty....  I am guilty as the next.....  It reminded me that this life is not My Story....it never was....It was always His Story....I am just lucky enough to realize I am a part of it.  So if being a human pin cusion somedays is what He calls me too, or loving on my kids is on the agenda, or spending a day with my sore feet up watching tv with my high school boyfriend (no worries he became my husband..) is what he has me to do....then I am going to remember to be content.  

We don't have to fret on our purpose, we have to be in relationship with the Author of the story and content with the fantastic news that we are a part of His incredible story....even if sometimes we aren't the Wonder Woman...cuz I mean she didn't get to wear sweatpants a lot and that had to be a bummer!

Life in 2020

These few months have been extraordinary... It has caused all of us to reflect on things from pandemic to how we view racism in America.  For me it has been a personal journey through many thoughts and emotions.  It began with this pandemic.  The chronic disease I have affects the voluntary muscles, including my diaphragm which can cause me to be unable to breathe if it were to get weak.  To combat this weakness I take a medication that lowers my immune system, making my immune system compromised.  In a week I went from coffee visit with friends, taking my children to stores and doing all the shopping for the house to being told I have to stay in and limit my contact with others.  I was put in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation....if I  don't take my medication that lowers the immune system my diaphragm might weaken and I would need to be on a ventilator...which were currently in risk of being short of due to covid.  If I did take my medication I was highly at risk of catching covid and not being able to fight it, again needing a possible ventilator.  Neither seemed like a good option.  At first it was OK, it felt like we were all in this together.  It seemed on the outside that we all wanted to support each other (minus toilet paper and yeast hoarding..)  Much of my family is in the northeast and many were telling me how terrible it was.  At the time it didn't seem as bad in the south. 

We adjusted to school at home and church on tv and zoom meetings...but then it seemed the hair grew.... in just a few weeks, I started seeing the economy falter and my heart was sad for so many out of work and we did need to do something. People began to protest with guns in the open over opening up hair salons and other places.  I wanted to open as much as anyone (remember I have house of teens!) but I also knew the risk and started thinking that I might not get to see my grandchildren someday or see my kids graduate high school.   So we began to open up little by little and I began to see the all together come apart....masks became the issue.  I saw much on social media about peoples freedom to wear or not wear a mask.... To be fair I hate them too, they are uncomfortable, but I also am torn because I like breathing on my own.  Again I can understand the sentiment, but how some people represented their views was deeply hurtful and troubling.  It seemed as though suddenly I was disposable along with my dad, step mother, nephew and friends who are in high risk groups.  Suddenly I was un American because I want to live and I want them to live and enjoy the freedom.  Everyone else's right to things that are mostly luxuries made me feel invisible and eventually it was clear Texas is moving on with you.

Then I watched George Floyd die on twitter...  Again I was a Live PD fan and my daughter wants to be a police officer and I have been blessed to have great encounters with police.  However what I saw was  sad people, people who for much longer then in have felt dispensable.  Sure people don't want people to die, but if they have to for others comfort and luxury to not be interrupted its the American way.....or so it seems.  Instead of compassion I saw people that I have thought I had known come down and try to disprove that these people have a right to their feelings.   They have become so interested in protected what they have always known and fearful of being wrong they refuse to even consider that these people have a purpose in their movement.  I heard my children really express how their race affects them and how they felt.  Being in the middle of my own moments of feeling "forgotten"  I could relate to that. 

It stirred my heart to examine how I had been apathetic towards others and how I might have been  hurting others by my either outright stance or being attributed to others who hold a stance.  I started to really examine who is saying what and what do they have to lose or gain.  Remember I have just watched people cheer that my life and those I love are worth less then a face mask or ordering in to your expensive home and enjoying all the things you bought.  For much longer people have adjusted to a life where they know their culture, hairstyles, music, worship styles.... is worth less then others.  In fact it is well know the more you make it  "American" (white or European) the better you have of being heard.  Just in the same way the more I just show up places or ignore my doctors advice and attend this or that event, I am more "American" not believing the lies.  For some not believing the lies does not mean if you are wrong you die...for me its that.  For my black, latino or LGBT brothers and sisters they too can trust that we are believing a lie and its all fine....but if they are wrong its their life on the line.  So before we dismiss others whose shoes we are not walking in...let us ask ourselves what is on the line for me and what is on the line for them......if you are reading this and not in any of those groups, the worst that people are seeking is equal....not more...not to enslave...not to make your marriage or faith illegal just equal....and maybe put on a face mask ;)  For those in those groups my heart goes out to you, this is a defining moment, if we lay down and give in....lives are on the line..it could be my son or daughter.

Our place

I have had a lot of time to think .... you know quarantine and all.... and I have been  thinking a lot about how we as humans try to find our place in life. How we fit in this puzzle of life.  From childhood where we seek out how to find friends to finding a perfect job to making a certain life...  It can be very overwhelming when any one of those areas is pulled out from under you, whether its your job, your community, your health or a number of other things.  We can lose a piece or a piece changes and we find ourselves figuring how we can fit now, or what our worth is or any number of things.  Many people turn to suicide, violence, drugs, depression....etc... because they can't find their place anymore.  However I began to think about if I had another day with my mom or my brother what life event or purpose would I want them here to "do".  I have realized I just want to sit at the table with them.  Hear them make some jokes, tell them about my day hear about their day.  I don't care what they can do or produce or solve....I just want them, as God made them..imperfections and all....  We are not what we can do, we are who we are and we forgot so many times that just being there and be who we are is everything to someone.  Just knowing you can pick up the phone and tell them something or sit across the table and listen to the funny stories of the past.  So if anyone is wondering what their purpose is, how they can or can't "contribute" if they are worth it..YOU ARE!! We want you across the table, we want to see that text, we want to reminisce about the past.  You are not the sum of your trials or accomplishments, you are uniquely made for moments and maybe right now it doesn't feel like a moment worth remembering, there are so many in the past and so many yet to come. 

Thank you

In this time of craziness with the Corona virus, I want to say thank you.  I am one of those high category people that are at great risk.  Not just my diagnosis of myasthenia gravis puts me at risk, but the medications I take lower my immune response.  I want to say that I am very grateful to see the amount of people who are taking this all in stride and not telling those like me with chronic conditions, those with cancer and others whose treatment put them at risk and mostly the elderly that we are not valuable.  I know that we hear most people who get this virus will be OK and I know how disappointing all these cancelled events are.  I also realize the financial and educational impacts these closings have.  It is very humbling to see that people are willing to look at the at risk populations and tell us we are valuable.  No one asks to be in a high risk situation, it is something we walk with daily and learn to adapt to a world that we don't always feel like we fit into.  In times like this when I see neighbors reaching out to make sure people have what they need and schools protecting those in their community it is a beautiful remind that we are not forgotten.  In many places in the past and today certain populations are treated as though they are worthless because they are viewed as being able to give less to society.  I am proud to be part of a community that is coming together to see that human value trumps financial gain.  So I just wanted to say thank you for those of you who are being more careful, washing your hands more often, wearing gloves in places of service and staying home when you feel sick.  For those like me in the situation of being a recipient of this grace, remember to be thankful when it starts to feel a little isolating and be grateful when you see someone do something that ultimately says they value your life.

Whips and Suffering

It has been a hard week.  I lost my brother to cancer last Sunday.  While we knew he had cancer we never expected it to move this fast and literally within a week of hearing there was an issue I was saying goodbye.  I have run through so many emotions, but today as I was driving I began to think about the pain that comes from this world.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it agonizes.  It got me thinking about upcoming Good Friday.  My Savior being whipped over and over, skin tearing from his flesh, knowing what was to come, knowing how heavy the burden and each lash bringing immediate pain. 

God never promised we wouldn't suffer, in fact His word often reminds us in this world we will suffer.  It even says to count it all joy when we suffer.  We serve a king who knows what its like and can relate to the suffering. 

Sometimes in my life it has felt like a whip has been taken to my soul, sometimes like now and when my mother died it was an agonizing lash, sometimes when I was diagnosed with numerous chronic conditions its painful, when I suffered a miscarriage and struggled in pregnancy and when my marriage was struggling the lashes seemed to carry on and on.  However as I stood and took my lashes with my mouth silenced due to fate, I followed in the steps of my Father.  I know who wins the war and I won't let the lashes of the enemy's sinful world change my steps. 

The enemy may laugh and mock while the tears run down my cheeks and the lashes may feel so deep I can't move forward or so constant I can't stand up to carry my cross, but again my Savior gave me an example, he is there to help me lift it and keep going.  The enemy's came to steal, lie, kill and destroy.  Those lies did not write my brother's story and it shall not write mine.  I shall stand as he did bravely taking lash after lash, standing silent because I know the victory can not compare to the pain inflicted.

Was there ever really a "good old days"

The older I get the more I become aware of the fact that no there was not ever a "good old days".  I see many people get fired up about issues and seem to put on very distorted views of these days gone by.  While I would agree past generations did things different, was it really better or good?  We tend to forget that it was not a lack of sin that existed it was a lack of awareness.  Is this generation really doing things better?? Time will tell!  But the past didn't have the keys to better.  While yes we saw more marriages stay together, but what we didn't see was the abuse the women were not allowed to talk about, the isolation and lack of say in their own futures.  Yes we seemed to have"safer neighborhoods" where these moms were keeping an eye out, but was the for everyone or just those in the right socioeconomic situation and the right color.  Yes abortion was not an issues, but do we neglect to remember that sex was still happening before marriage and these girls who got pregnant were shunned and sent away to maternity homes only to have their babies taken from them and put up for adoption without an option to be their mother.  Do we remember that yes we had the 10 commandments and prayer in school, but we still had segregation and blatant racism.  We have forever lived in a world tainted in sin, no generation had a better handle on it.  Yes we believed girls should be girls and boys should be boys, but do we forget how those who didn't fit the mold were ridiculed and bullied even by their own families.  We need to not live in a way where we believe the generation we were most comfortable in our sin was really better.  We need to remember every generation is doing its best to survive and thrive in a sinful world and instead of constantly reminding this generation that we did it  "better" or ridicule their choices in carrying the weight we left them we need to come along side them, listen to them, work with them. Our choices may not have been the same as theirs but they were not better. Going back to the way it was doesn't help in fact for many that is a terrifying thought. 

A Calling and a Cost

We had two of our children graduate from high school over the past few weeks and enter adulthood.  It has definitely been a time of reflection.  The time spent going through old pictures and reliving all the memories.  What I love about photographs is the reminder that though days can be long and hard and we all worry about what it all means for the future, that in the meantime, life is going along and happy times happen.  Sometimes we can spend so much time planning whats next or worrying about what is happening and what it means for the future that we can lose sight that life is happening regardless.  I read a book recently that said life is like a coin, you can spend it anyway you want but you can only spend it once.  All the moments I spent worrying about my kids growing up, some were veracious readers while others settled for reading the back of a cereal box.  Some spent hours creating while others preferred video games.  None were or are involved heavily in music or sports, which would often cloud my thoughts as I saw a Facebook post of another kids achievements.

Years ago God clearly called us to live a life different from the ordinary one we began.  We had the 2 children one boy and one girl.  Life circumstances told us that we would have no more and yet we felt we had it all.  Then a stirring in my soul would not let me stop imagining life with so many more.  But the cost....if you have ever looked into adoption or raised children in general you know the cost is a lot....  As we would say one more God would say 2 and as we would say only one more God would say 3 and then when we threw in the towel God said...one more...  It was a calling something we couldn't ignore if we wanted to.  However a calling always comes with a cost.  It cost Jesus his life.

As time went on we learned to adjust more by necessity than anything else.  It was clear with 7 and then 8 children we would not have the normal suburban life.  First, we would probably never fly as a family, so all family vacations were now within driving distance....in a hot stinky van sometimes....  Second, going out to a restaurant for dinner, lunch or breakfast would now be a special occasion many times it was once a year on Christmas Eve.  Third, yearly vacations were a thing of the past, as just finding a place to stay can break the budget when its times 10!  Fourth, shopping changes...new clothes are replaced with hand me downs... true story when my daughter was 12 and we were in a store shopping I told her to try something on and she informed me she had never tried on anything in a store before.....

To be clear we were making a decent income for the area, but when its stretched among 10 people it tends not to go as far.  However, God was faithful, we never went without a need and always have more then enough wants.  That hot stinky van has provided some of our greatest family memories.  The things that go on in this house are seriously podcast worthy...and maybe will be someday when it won't embarrass some so much :)  The point is...we didn't keep up with the Jones's, in fact they probably have filed a complaint about something one of my children have done in the neighborhood in the search for fun....  and life went on regardless, and not just life, but life in abundance. 

So realize if God has called you, it will probably feel radical, and it probably will be...  You will have to pay a cost...most likely in material goods or sanity..... You will probably not have all you want in the world and still be obedient and you will sometimes feel like the magician in Frosty the Snowman..saying "That's Not Fair" ......... but as life rolls on regardless you will start to see that it wasn't fair....you got to experience something so many people miss, you get to experience Jesus in the flesh still working today among us...you will see miracles, you will experience the peace that passes all understanding...you will watch the future unfold in a way you couldn't have planned..and you will realize you don't miss the many movies you never saw, the restaurants you didn't experience, the beaches you didn't step on as much as you thought you would.

Would it be different?

Teaching history to my children for the past years and being a news junky I have had this thought recently.... would it really have been different....  Being the mother of both black and white sons and black and white daughters I feel like I have a unique perspective.  Teaching history to young kids (and older) can sometimes put quite a dim light on the world's past.  It can be easy to see that there is pervasive sin in all cultures.  We even can try to put a happy spin on things that end not so happy....teaching the founding fathers, falls into the demise of Native Americans and slavery, or if you go further back as my 11 year old put it recently...let me guess the king comes to power says he will do good things but instead beheads people.  So in the news I fully support the movements in the news that have come forward for racial and gender equality.  I believe fully that we should not be oppressed or harassed due to our God given genetic make up.  We are ALL created in God's image.  However, after raising all these children from all over the place I have come to wonder, if men of European decent had not held power for so long, if perhaps women had the opportunity on a large scale to rule the nations generation after generation, would they have ruled differently, would we have avoided a gender gap or racism.  I am not so sure because I do not believe the problem is in the genetic make up of a person in so much as the problem we were warned about far back into the Old Testament....power.....pride.....

The Bible and history proves our genetics does not cause us to act in reprehensible ways, no one population is a consistent tyrant.  But it is clear to show that the amount of power we receive (or feel we have or feel we deserve) is at the core of the problem.  Watch someone rise to power (or in our current culture with out a royal class, we can call it fame) and watch the tyrant in us rise.  Try to challenge ones power or fame and watch the wars begin.  See in all of us is both tyrant and victim, to pull ourselves up we must push someone down. 

So while it seems bleak it has me thinking then how to we achieve this equality that we desire.  Biblically....loving one another as God designed and giving God the glory...humbling ourselves at the cross...not culturally, but really....  We are fooling ourselves if we believe that we have humbled ourselves in front of an almighty just God but can say things like "I would not let my child date a child of another race"  or "this cultural group is lame"  or  "all men are pigs" or "fill in the black race or gender or lifestyle is the cause of problems"  STOP  humbling ourselves requires ourselves to look in the mirror and realize if the people who look, think and act like you had the power historically and currently we probably would have made just as bad decisions.  We would have been drunk on power and fame and money.....  So as we embrace these movements towards equailty lets also turn to Jesus and find the only true way to equality, humbling ourselves in front of our creator and truly looking at others as God's creation and loving each other. 

Roots

If there is one thing I have always envied its the people who know where they are from. For example, some people are born and bred country life folk...they can farm and care for animals, they get rejuvenated from the outdoors, they wouldn't want life any other way.  Or on the opposite extreme there is the city folk, they LOVE their city.  They can get from this place to that place and know which places are the best.  They are street savvy and usually seem tough or edgy.  They can't see themselves ever leaving the city they love.  See I grew up in the middle and still live in the middle...suburbs...don't get me wrong lovely places.  But they lack the feel of either extreme.  Most kids don't feel tied to their suburb.  They don't have all the space of the country to free roam but also lack the character of the city.  We have all our standards, McDonalds, Walmart, Starbucks, chain grocery store... our parks all look alike only the playground is arranged differently.  So while its not bad, its also not the thing stories or songs are made of.  Suburbanites often move town to town with no feelings of nostalgia...but here is the catch....a suburbanite lifer like myself cannot go county or city without looking like a poser.  Why...because I did not live my life soaked in something that has roots....family farms have roots...small towns with multi generations have roots...cities have roots...but suburbs are more of a newer phenomenon in history.  They lack roots they are like the nomads of lifestyles.  The weird thing about them that I have found is they lack commitment. 

So as I have been reading my Bible, I saw a stark similarity with Spiritual walks.  We have those who live their faith out loud, there is no doubt they love their Jesus.  They have a history and roots with this King of Kings, they can't imagine a moment without Him.  Their are also the other extreme they don't believe or they don't care to find out what they Jesus is all about...but if we were to be honest most people including myself a lot of times park ourselves in the spiritual suburbs.  We have your standard church attendance, own a Bible, send our kids to church programs, but there is not a passion for anything.  Its comfortable, so comfortable that not only can we sometimes forget many times we actively forgo our faith.  Our roots are social not spiritual, therefore its easy to pick up from one church and move on to another if its not meeting our expectations.  Yet many church goers and even some who don't go would admit the same thing I said at the beginning envy those who are sold out...those who walk out in faith or the Word is always on their lips and they really live it out. Those who don't just tote the words of Jesus around, but live the life too.  We feel like a poser if we "act" like those people.  So we sit back and live in our suburb faith.

Its doesn't have to be this way though...it all starts in our head and in our feelings... The truth is, if I want to be a country girl or a city girl I need to stop doing the same old same old...I need to make a choice to pick up from where I am and move forward into something new...something uncomfortable...  Then I need to learn from as many people as I can..surround myself with those who are living it.  I need to step out in faith and buy a chicken or get on that subway...am I going to mess up, yep...am I going to get lost...yep...but the second time I won't and the more time I purposely invest in my new reality the faster I will acclimate.  When my family sees my passion they will too want to know what I am doing...here begins the roots....so if you are in the suburbs of faith (or life) and you want more...take a purposeful step out and start becoming the roots.

A Time to Heal

The events in our nation recently have been disturbing.  Chants have been chanted, videos have been played over and over and everyone from your neighbor to officials have either made their statements or have not.  But now I believe its time to start healing, not because it justifies anything but on the other side its how we don't lose what we have gained.  Its time to remind our children that there is more on the good side then on the bad.  It is time to show that we are truly neighbors and love one another with more than just social media posts and news interviews.  We must remember how far we have come and not let fear begin to separate us and divide us. That in itself is always the cause, when life is us versus them in any situation.  No one can hear when we are angry and no one changes when stubborn pride comes in.  It instills fear and confusion in the next generation, it brings up old wounds for some that were just starting to heal.  We need to teach the next generation that while its OK to be different we can always find common ground.  We cannot afford to lose ground in civil rights when so much has been gained and I honestly believe more Americans want to move forward than backwards.  We need to let our kids especially know that, because when the loudest voices are the voice of anger and hate and division in the media and in the church and in the home that undermines the progress.  The best way to move forward is to be successful and happy and help others around you no matter who they are do the same.  Work hard, love others and help one another this is the formula to undue hate.  In a multiracial household we have a front row seat to see that love is colorblind, loyalty is based on love and we have everything in common.  Its time to start healing, its time to take our eyes off those who want to divide us and turn them to those around us and show the love.  We will not lose the progress this country has made in the last 50 years, we will continue to move forward in love and show the next generation that keeping our eyes, thoughts and actions on good is more valuable then giving attention to things that are damaging.  The words have been said, but the time has come for us to heal, to move forward with new perspective and grow from this.

"Healthy" Living

Three years ago I got a diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis that changed my life.  I had mounting symptoms for years but it came on suddenly in a more severe form that year.  Over the past few years I have learned that I have had to come to a time of acceptance (including 3 more autoimmune disorders that were added on in those years).  Acceptance looked more like no longer pretending I am making up the symptoms and finding the line between acceptable pain and affecting too much pain, learning how to let others help and how to say no when it was too much.  It was a roller coaster of research and new treatments and new ways of doing things like opening cans and jars and going out for a walk.  Now I have accepted that I have a myriad of autoimmune disorders that affect my daily life and always will.  I am a pro at giving myself injections and giving myself the day off on methotrexate Monday when the nausea kicks in.

The new place I am at is learning to live within where God has me.  This has included major changes in my diet, going gluten and dairy free...because I love to eat.....and food has been the center of entertainment in our house.  So I am learning to cook in a new ways.  I am learning to make easier meals and spend quality time with the kids in the pool where there is no pressure on the joints and the heat isn't making me ill.  I am learning to order in restaurants things that will not make me feel sick (although no gluten and dairy leaves like 2 things to choose from on a menu).  Although with this I have also had to let go of the old me in a lot of ways.  Its weird that people who have met me at this point in my life will never know the me I was before.  I was very active, I loved to dance and play basketball. I mean not competitively or I wasn't even really good, but I liked to have fun!  I have to face reality most days, if I choose to get coffee with friends like I did yesterday and the only chairs available are wooden, I will likely spend the rest of the day on the couch in pain or if I go play Top Golf there is a good chance my arms and hands will be useless for a day or 2.  I even have to factor in a grocery shop, if it takes an hour I will likely need to come home and rest for a few hours to keep my hips from getting bursitis.

My point is not to complain, but more the realization to not take anything for granted and to realize that life changes, yet still goes on, good and bad.  Nothing is stagnant in life, we have choices on how we face new trials.  It may be the only way God opens a door in our life to something he has for us.  I have through this learned that my husband is a rock star, he will work a full day come out help with dinner, pick up the kids from work, carry things for me and do as much as he can to take stuff off my plate.  This is so hard to accept sometimes because I feel like I can't give back as much as he gives, but God has also made me realize that I can be his partner in other ways, I have prayed more for him at this point in our marriage then I have in our entire marriage, I have taken those times I feel good to really try to make the moments count, thinking of what he would like and putting that in the front of my mind.  We have created some time for us to sit outside alone and talk about our days.  It has forced a certain simplicity to our routines.  Another way I have learned this lesson is with new friendships.  I have had the fortune of making some wonderful friends in this area, which in past places has eluded me usually due to the sheer amount of toddlers and preschools that circled my feet for the last 10 years....  The old me would have said yes to EVERYTHING even to stuff I didn't want to do, creating resentment and ultimately avoiding long enough to quit (which I am wonderful at).  Now I simply have to say no because I cannot and though in that acceptance phase I struggled with the feeling that people would reject my friendship thinking I am lazy or not a good enough friend, I have opened up myself to the things I can do and have found wonderful support from the ladies around me.  I am more blessed now in that area then I was when I was "healthy".

Which brings me to the final point, what is healthy.....after 38 years of all sorts of healthy times and unhealthy times I am starting to figure out healthy is when you rely on God for your daily needs and have the support around you who love you for you.  If times are good rejoice and if they are awful cry and let it out, but either way remember its all temporary.

Teenagers

At this point in my life I have 5 teenagers, 2 almost teenagers and one rowdy 10 year old.....  So go ahead stop and take a minute to pray for me and my husbands sanity....seriously.....

Anyone who has had, known, seen, been around teenagers knows that they are definitely unique in their point of view.  They are in the cosmic struggle between life as a carefree kid and life with adult freedom and responsibility.  They often feel like they have figured it out, and as I am sure we all felt when we were teens, that other people just don't understand....  I experience this daily, hourly, every few minutes of every day...  Things I hear daily, "I forgot" "why are you making such a big deal about this" "you make things seem so dramatic" "I am bored"  "You don't understand" ....or my favorite, bring me a problem and then ask for my opinion, hear my opinion and then argue why their opinion that they already preformed is correct and mine is not....

So this morning after thinking on this I went back to the place that I always do when I think about those teen years...  I have often equated my relationship with God as a teen like relationship.  I am often saying these things in words or more likely in actions in my life.  For example, one thing about parenting teens that I find ironic is this idea that I don't understand, even though I have not only lived through being a teenager myself but have known and dealt with a lot of teenagers in my life.  Yet, Jesus who experienced temptation far greater than me and has known every man and woman throughout history hears from  me that he might have made a mistake, he might have walked me down a path that has no purpose.  As though I know more than he does!  I tell my kids often that unless they trust I have their best interests at heart they will not understand or take my advice.  As soon as they think they know better or think I don't have their best interests they will do contrary to what I tell them. (which is often) They always have their excuse or reason ready when something doesn't work out.....I didn't think I would get caught, I didn't realize this other thing would happen, I didn't mean for this person to get mad, I didn't think I would feel this way.....  Then many times they blame comes back on the parents, well if you did or didn't.... Ohhhh how I do this at times...God if you had just let this happen or not let that happen...then I wouldn't be here. Reality is I did it for the approval of man and not the approval of God.  The desire to be accepted trumped the desire to please my father, the want of my plans to work out was the cause of my disobedience.  Yet like a good father, he is always there because he knows how my warped view of life will lead me weak and vulnerable and he knows that I will need to call out to him and though it might take longer than he would like and it hurts him to know how much pain I will allow myself, he never gives up.

The Empty Cup

It has been a long few months in my life, from last July until Jan. I have had either a personal health or family difficulty every month and some months every week.  I kept pouring out my cup a little at a time, and eventually my cup ran dry.  I am speaking of spiritually.  I knew I wasn't myself, I was inside my own head, question everything, letting old fears and insecurities to crawl in, slowly and slowly as my cup emptied into my circumstances and was being refilled with insecurities and fear.  I didn't realize it but I was slowly letting myself slide away from my first love, God.  I didn't even see it coming until I found myself ready to go back to life before I agreed to walk in his Love.  The scary part is, it was making sense....it had seemed like circumstance after circumstance just kept being a reminder that maybe God called the wrong person, or the wrong time, or I heard the wrong callings... I mistook weakness in myself as a weakness in God.  Then a week ago or so I see that my husband had put on the calendar, make no plans this weekend.  He just said he was working on something.  Come to find out he had got a hotel room at a local hotel, he made a mini retreat for me to reconnect with my first love.  He prepared a set of videos and music for me to watch and listen and praise with. He knows I recharge with quiet.  I just needed sometime to sit with my Savior, I need to put away the noise of the circumstance and let the lies slip away just long enough to remind who I am.  I am NOT the insecure, fearful woman I used to be, I am a child of the King, I am a princess, I am the bride of Christ.  I have a job to do that circumstance does not dictate, it is only dictated to me by my King and Father... I mistakenly believed for awhile that suffering was a sign of trouble or that I was doing it wrong, but reality I learned and was reminded that suffering is often how God gets our attention.  Trouble is often something we have earned because it will strengthen and make me stronger in running the race of life.  Jesus's circumstance did not dictate his value or his purpose, so therefore it does not mine.  So now with more than 24 hours of doing nothing more than soaking in the word, it has reminded who is my hope, my peace, my song, my life.  I was reminded that fear is nothing but "faith in the enemy".  It is OK to grow weary, because sometimes that is our reminder that we cannot do this in our own strength, as long as we remember to plug into the Word of God and draw in new strength.  I am so grateful for husband who will not selfishly keep me as his bride, but lovingly tends to my relationships with my God.  My cup is full, and I can now more effectively pour out to those I encounter.

The secret to capturing the heart of a girl

As a woman, sister of 3 other sisters, mom to 5 girls, I am a bit of an expert in the matter of what a girl wants in a boy.... I was cooking today and listening to music and realized if boys are trying to figure out what a girl looks for in a boy...listen to a couple of country songs...even if you HATE that type of music and think its cheesy...just listen.  The theme is pretty consistent girls want to have someone who enjoys being with them and will fight for them.  I can speak from experience, there is nothing more disappointing to a girl than being in a relationship with a boy and realize that they have gone from the butterfly first date to the 3rd or 4th most important thing in their day. The boy must be vocal regularly about the little thing that makes her stand out.  As a girl it is so easy to get lost in the world, no matter how confident we seem, there is something magical that happens inside when someone notices things about us, that do have to do with something that will not change, our laugh, the sparkle in our eye, our spirit, our grit whatever it is that caught his eye, he must tell her often and not because he wants to get something in return, but because he truly feels alive around her.  A girl just wants to know that the best thing about his day is seeing her.  I knew my husband was the one I could spend the rest of my life with because he was my other half, we didn't have to see each other day but we wanted to.  Bad day or good day, we knew it would end with the other person being their for them. Even if we were exhausted after work, we just sat together and watched tv, or drove around and listened to music just because we simply wanted to sit next to each other.

The second thing is fight for her.  I don't care what a girl claims, a quick way to lose the girl is to just let her walk away or walk away yourself and show her you are fine without her.  If you are having problems don't ask her to fix it all and don't ignore the problem.  Be honest and let her know often that you love and miss her.  Be as cheesy as a country song if you must.  Romance is actually a lot more than flowers and candy, its hearing that he does know your favorite singer is Kenny Rogers and though he despises country music....he takes you to the concert and you laugh and he even sings along.  He even tells his girl that he secretly loves a few country songs because the lyrics remind him of you and he listens to them even 20 years later.  Its showing her that secret letter you wrote him that he saved because it spoke to his heart.

This isn't just for the dating crews...for a happy engagement or marriage it is the same.  Dance with her in the kitchen even if you can't dance, take the car and fill it up with gas, even though she can.  Tell her often she is your favorite person and share private jokes.  Catch her eye in the crowd and smile just for her.

Trust me....I am surrounded by girls :).  If you want to keep her ......enjoy her and fight for her.

The Father's Love Legacy

This afternoon I saw my oldest daughter off on a trip to the Czech Republic..many miles away! From the time this child was 3 she was very aware of her Savior, even before her father or I were.  She was mesmerized by Sunday school and Christian music.  She would ask every Sunday for me to take her to church and eventually was the driving force for her dad to join us.  In those churches is where we heard the gospel message and truly gave our lives to the Lord. In Kindergarten, the teachers had nicknamed her little Mother Theresa because she was so compassionate. I remember one day when she was 5 we lived in New Hampshire and she informed me that she wanted to go to the end of the drive way and spread out her arms and sing one of her favorite Christian songs so everyone would know God.  In my infancy of being a Christian, I remember being slightly mortified at the thought of our neighbors thinking we were culty or weird....  Many times we would have the talk before we left somewhere, sometimes people don't want to talk about Jesus so lets not talk about religion when we are there OK? and she would look at me with these big eyes and look utterly confused by my double standards.  Luckily she was spiritually more mature than me and my misguided attempts never squelched this girl's love for the Lord.  Now 13 years later she is going very far away to share who God has made her and I couldn't be more proud.  It has not been easy for her to get to that point, she has struggled with anxiety her whole life and a trip with a friend that far away would have seemed impossible a few years ago, but she has grown so much.

As I watched her and her sweet friend load up their suitcases full of their lives to go and share with others, it made me think about our heavenly father and how he must feel similar as he watches his creation go and take on the world.  Its hard to let them be who they are meant to be when you know the world is full of things designed to discourage, hurt or disappoint them.  That instinct is to protect but you also know they cannot fulfill their purpose unless you let go.  They have to choose it for themselves if it is to become precious to them.  Something so loving cannot be forced, it must always be chosen.  Those times I have wondered, why did God let me wind up in this place, or when I look at my past and wish I had chosen differently I can now see God was walking alongside the entire time and allowing those moments so that I could fully choose, so I could become what he designed.  Just like watching my beautiful daughter and her beautiful friend step out and choose what they love and choose to share it.

She was God's long before she was mine and someday someone lucky will have her as his too.  A true gift she is to me!! I can just imagine how God must feel for each us, he is our gift and if we chose we are his!

Being real and honest

Are we being honest?  I mean really honest?  I was thinking today about churches....I have attended many different types but one thing in all has remained the same....who are we fooling?  We are a bunch of broken people coming together a perfect God.  God is really clear in the Bible none of us are good, not one.  Yet put us imperfect people together and we end up standing there trying our best to look the perfect part.  Attend church services or functions or prayer groups or Bible studies and you will quickly understand the idea of the awkward silence.... Usually when someone is asked to share prayer requests or praises or asked to come forward to pray with pastors or elders.  Its funny because today I was thinking about all those moments and thought who are we fooling, anyone who truly can walk through a week and say they can't think of any problem or issue in life that they need prayer in should most definitely have a praise to report!  Yet we are silent and awkward and that familiar junior high sweaty feeling starts creeping up the neck...we are afraid to be seen as what we are, imperfect.  We are fearful that it will sound too dramatic to ask for prayer in this, or weak to need help with that.  Yet if that is true if that many of us do not need prayer and we don't feel comfortable praying for others, what is the draw to corporate worship, why not leave it at home in the private corners.  I am learning its because deep down we are seeking it, we want to be around those with the courage to speak up and be real and honest.  All you have to do in group of people is break the ice about something that is real and suddenly everyone is piping in almost in relief and in unison.  You feel this human connection with someone that you used to hold in this holier than thou place in your mind.  Suddenly people are starting to be honest.  Yes, this is my once a week make up...and in an hour I am going to go put on my real clothes....Yes, my favorite hobby is watching TV at night.....Yes my child is making me crazy and no I don't think I will miss this stage.....  My point is we have too many programs and too many things going on without people feeling comfortable being real.  Its why we secretly love that tv show or blog or whatever gives us that breath of ohhh good its not just me..... I am totally part of this culture so I understand the uncomfortableness but I am also starting to see how it has a negative impact on sharing our faith.  People who need to see us living real life with real problems and real community to lean on are instead seeing a lot of people who seem to have it all under control and are not interested.  So I am challenging myself to be more real and honest....as I can hear my children shudder....they already think I am way to honest at home :)

Relational beings....

What's most important, it seems that people have a lot of opinions in the world, but really it comes back to the same thing....relationship.  I have watched this played out many times over.  From the perspective of a younger sibling, friend, girlfriend, wife, mother of birth and adopted children it always comes back to relationship.  Yet it is the one thing that we always tend to put last.  All the tragedy if Florida from shootings to alligators really amplifies this in my head.  Its tragic to us as a nation, but it is truly life changing for those who shared relationships with all the victims.  Yet from an early age we talk about the importance of "what do you want to be when you grow up" with our kids instead of "who do you hope to be?"  I have seen the devastation of a young child that doesn't have positive or consistent relationship as a baby, I have seen the tears of the child who really doesn't seem to fit in or feels like they are always wrong.  They are healthy, smart, fed, growing people and yet their emotions are not satisfied until they belong relationally.  I have seen my own mother at the end of her life relive all the memories she lived with her family and she wanted us all around her.  I have watched my children leave everything they are accustomed too and travel across the world with strangers in hope of a place to belong.  We all want to be wanted.  We don't want to be something that is fit in when there is time.  Children seek out relational bonds with parents and siblings, older children and teens seek out relationship with peers and older teens seek out the dating relationship.  Yet again we tend to drive our children to believe that education and extracurriculars are the number one thing to focus on because that will get you a better job, more money and happiness??  I have seen kids who are busy from morning to night stressing themselves out. feeling like they haven't or can't do enough.  Where does this end up?  People married to their career with a family on the side?  When we think back to our happiest memories rarely are they tied to moments at work (unless we work with amazing friends!)  or even moments at school.  So what have I learned....we have it wrong...we need to teach our children and make it a priority ourselves to love each other deeply to regularly remind those most important in our lives that they are our priority, we need to put relationship first even if it means putting work or other pursuits aside.  Many things are noble things to do, but sometimes we have to ask at what cost....I can imagine all those people that lost love ones would not hesitate to do anything to bring back their loved ones and spend more time with them....so if we are here with the people we are supposed to be loving and given another day with them, why aren't we??

We are relational beings, God was very clear....money, career, sports...none of that lasts.....but those we love will be impacted forever.  If I can pass one thing on to my children I hope it is that they take the time to truly love the people God has put in their lives.  Accept them as they are but most important make those people your priority....make them feel like they are wanted.

The end results

I like to use this blog sometimes to sort out my thoughts.  Today I was thinking about the past and the present and I thought how things have changed.  Life year after year becomes more about the end results than the process of living.  I am not speaking personally but socially.  Life has always had humanity working for its needs like food, shelter, comforts... however an ever speeding up trend has brought about a loss of joy in our society.  Today we are so concerned with the end result...the kids must begin academics as soon as possible, to get ahead to get into the "best" schools to get into the "best" jobs to get into the bigger houses and nicer places.....but I wonder do they?  I mean is that really going to guarantee happiness and joy in my children's lives.. What do we sacrifice when we make an idol of materialism?  Ultimately that is what it amounts to.  Is it somehow a failure if the child has a love for nature and is full of joy living a simpler life? What if farming is their passion, or they find homemaking as their jot?  Have we failed?   Are we even allowing our children to discover their own passions and paths or are we so focused on the "best" we push them along blindly.  So many kids today don't have free time, time to explore on their own to be bored.  Have we accidentally made childhood too much like the adult world.  Competitive sports for kids?  Think about it....playing is how children learn, through play, pretend....now we have taken play and made it about the end...how good at that particular thing you are doing.  Sit at a 10 year olds soccer game one Saturday morning and listen to the comments and you will quickly see its not about kids having fun and getting exercise...its about winning and being the "best".  Learning takes time and each child is different in how they learn and process....but we have made it about the end...how well they do on tests, how early they start reading, we even give awards to kids who never missed a school day...which is actually an award in having a great immune system!  Even our entertainment is being the "best" American Idol, the Voice, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor, Amazing Race...... Our culture has no place for those who are not the best. Wasn't that Satan's fall, wanting to be the best....wasn't that Eden's fall wanting to be equal in knowledge to God (being the best).  We were never called to be the best...in fact we were called to give up our lives for the sake of the Gospel.  Where does this leave a Christian....how can we be the "best" and yet think of others as better than ourselves, how can we live a life of service to others.  Its almost taken a weird turn within our religious circles....look around we must be the best preacher, singer, church and when people don't deem it as the best they look elsewhere.  How can we be led by the Spirit if we are driven by the world's standards as what is best.  Jesus was very clear in Luke we are told... 

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,  but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Can you imagine what this would look like today.....

As Jesus drove into the subdivision he went to the home where Martha and Mary lived.  Mary spend the day enjoying the company of Jesus and talking with him.  Martha was so distracted, she couldn't believe he just showed up on a Saturday, didn't he know that she had soccer in the morning a championship game, then grocery shopping, now she had company so she had to clean up the house, get to the laundry and then get the kids to piano lessons they have a recital in a few weeks, get a yoga class in there or she would never get that 20 year old body back.  She just needed a few minutes to put on that makeup and she would ask him if he could come back tomorrow after she worked the nursery at church and stayed for a service, she couldn't miss it, it was about how to simplify her life.  Then she had book club which she needed to attend because she didn't spend all that time reading to miss a discussion.  Ooh but her if son won his game today he would have the next game on Sunday....and then they had ice skating classes....

I am not shaming busy people, with 8 kids I am busy too....my thought is that we have made ourselves "worried and upset about many things"  things that began as fun or service.  Maybe if we didn't need the biggest houses we wouldn't need to clean to often, or maybe if we didn't feel the need to look "the best" we wouldn't constantly be trying to turn back the hands of time.  Jesus told us the best was knowing Him and spending time with Him.  I for one am convicted that I do not stress this all the time in my own life or in my kids lives.  I spend too much time worrying about math skills or reading levels. Worrying about what kinds of jobs they will find or how well they will score on their SATs.  We have lost focus....we are a bunch of Marthas looking down on the Marys. You will often find that those with less have more joy...all these distractions we have worked so hard to attain have actually become our burden.  I need to refocus my life on what is truly best....Jesus.