Getting back

I know who God wants me to be. He has been pretty clear throughout my life as to who I am. Yet I get frustrated with circumstances or begin to covet what I see in another person. I am definitely the grass is greener type person. I fall into the trap of thinking, maybe I should or I can or it seems to work for them so maybe I might.... Without remembering that the simple fact that we live in a fallen world is going to bring frustration, disappointment and brokenness. It seems as soon as I am where I feel God has called me in life, I feel restless and start to chase what I know I shouldn't. I know God has called me to be a wife and mother and to care for my home. He will bring blessings to others through that if I am obedient to Him. My mind starts to wander on ways to "help" God along....maybe I should send the kids to school so I can work......maybe I need to update the wardrobe and look more fashionable when I am out and about......maybe we need to stop growing our family so that we can have more time to ourselves...... Then I start to justify my thoughts, look at so and so it all seems good there, I went to public school and I am OK....... This weekend we started cleaning out our garage and getting rid of all sorts of stuff we haven't needed since the move. As I was going through papers from my childhood I was wondering why I saved half of it. Its not like I ever look at it except when we clean stuff out. This morning I am realizing that this is a picture of what I do...I take my past and carry it on my back silently...the closer I follow God the more I am at peace, but every once in awhile I "clean out" my pack and only saving the good memories I start to question where I am and what I am doing and then I find myself stuck spiritually and I find myself becoming a grumbler and a complainer. Thankfully God is gracious enough to wake me, do one of those snap out of it slaps! No my life may not look like the average American woman's life, I won't fit the mold, nor will my ideas of what a woman should be fit the mold......but God tells us that we shouldn't conform to the world. So I am today going to refocus on my family and my home. This time though hopefully I can recognize this pattern take off the backpack and toss it away! Stop romanticizing those things that God abhors and walk forward free to be the woman Christ has called me to be.