Life in 2020

These few months have been extraordinary... It has caused all of us to reflect on things from pandemic to how we view racism in America.  For me it has been a personal journey through many thoughts and emotions.  It began with this pandemic.  The chronic disease I have affects the voluntary muscles, including my diaphragm which can cause me to be unable to breathe if it were to get weak.  To combat this weakness I take a medication that lowers my immune system, making my immune system compromised.  In a week I went from coffee visit with friends, taking my children to stores and doing all the shopping for the house to being told I have to stay in and limit my contact with others.  I was put in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation....if I  don't take my medication that lowers the immune system my diaphragm might weaken and I would need to be on a ventilator...which were currently in risk of being short of due to covid.  If I did take my medication I was highly at risk of catching covid and not being able to fight it, again needing a possible ventilator.  Neither seemed like a good option.  At first it was OK, it felt like we were all in this together.  It seemed on the outside that we all wanted to support each other (minus toilet paper and yeast hoarding..)  Much of my family is in the northeast and many were telling me how terrible it was.  At the time it didn't seem as bad in the south. 

We adjusted to school at home and church on tv and zoom meetings...but then it seemed the hair grew.... in just a few weeks, I started seeing the economy falter and my heart was sad for so many out of work and we did need to do something. People began to protest with guns in the open over opening up hair salons and other places.  I wanted to open as much as anyone (remember I have house of teens!) but I also knew the risk and started thinking that I might not get to see my grandchildren someday or see my kids graduate high school.   So we began to open up little by little and I began to see the all together come apart....masks became the issue.  I saw much on social media about peoples freedom to wear or not wear a mask.... To be fair I hate them too, they are uncomfortable, but I also am torn because I like breathing on my own.  Again I can understand the sentiment, but how some people represented their views was deeply hurtful and troubling.  It seemed as though suddenly I was disposable along with my dad, step mother, nephew and friends who are in high risk groups.  Suddenly I was un American because I want to live and I want them to live and enjoy the freedom.  Everyone else's right to things that are mostly luxuries made me feel invisible and eventually it was clear Texas is moving on with you.

Then I watched George Floyd die on twitter...  Again I was a Live PD fan and my daughter wants to be a police officer and I have been blessed to have great encounters with police.  However what I saw was  sad people, people who for much longer then in have felt dispensable.  Sure people don't want people to die, but if they have to for others comfort and luxury to not be interrupted its the American way.....or so it seems.  Instead of compassion I saw people that I have thought I had known come down and try to disprove that these people have a right to their feelings.   They have become so interested in protected what they have always known and fearful of being wrong they refuse to even consider that these people have a purpose in their movement.  I heard my children really express how their race affects them and how they felt.  Being in the middle of my own moments of feeling "forgotten"  I could relate to that. 

It stirred my heart to examine how I had been apathetic towards others and how I might have been  hurting others by my either outright stance or being attributed to others who hold a stance.  I started to really examine who is saying what and what do they have to lose or gain.  Remember I have just watched people cheer that my life and those I love are worth less then a face mask or ordering in to your expensive home and enjoying all the things you bought.  For much longer people have adjusted to a life where they know their culture, hairstyles, music, worship styles.... is worth less then others.  In fact it is well know the more you make it  "American" (white or European) the better you have of being heard.  Just in the same way the more I just show up places or ignore my doctors advice and attend this or that event, I am more "American" not believing the lies.  For some not believing the lies does not mean if you are wrong you die...for me its that.  For my black, latino or LGBT brothers and sisters they too can trust that we are believing a lie and its all fine....but if they are wrong its their life on the line.  So before we dismiss others whose shoes we are not walking in...let us ask ourselves what is on the line for me and what is on the line for them......if you are reading this and not in any of those groups, the worst that people are seeking is equal....not more...not to enslave...not to make your marriage or faith illegal just equal....and maybe put on a face mask ;)  For those in those groups my heart goes out to you, this is a defining moment, if we lay down and give in....lives are on the line..it could be my son or daughter.

Our place

I have had a lot of time to think .... you know quarantine and all.... and I have been  thinking a lot about how we as humans try to find our place in life. How we fit in this puzzle of life.  From childhood where we seek out how to find friends to finding a perfect job to making a certain life...  It can be very overwhelming when any one of those areas is pulled out from under you, whether its your job, your community, your health or a number of other things.  We can lose a piece or a piece changes and we find ourselves figuring how we can fit now, or what our worth is or any number of things.  Many people turn to suicide, violence, drugs, depression....etc... because they can't find their place anymore.  However I began to think about if I had another day with my mom or my brother what life event or purpose would I want them here to "do".  I have realized I just want to sit at the table with them.  Hear them make some jokes, tell them about my day hear about their day.  I don't care what they can do or produce or solve....I just want them, as God made them..imperfections and all....  We are not what we can do, we are who we are and we forgot so many times that just being there and be who we are is everything to someone.  Just knowing you can pick up the phone and tell them something or sit across the table and listen to the funny stories of the past.  So if anyone is wondering what their purpose is, how they can or can't "contribute" if they are worth it..YOU ARE!! We want you across the table, we want to see that text, we want to reminisce about the past.  You are not the sum of your trials or accomplishments, you are uniquely made for moments and maybe right now it doesn't feel like a moment worth remembering, there are so many in the past and so many yet to come. 

Thank you

In this time of craziness with the Corona virus, I want to say thank you.  I am one of those high category people that are at great risk.  Not just my diagnosis of myasthenia gravis puts me at risk, but the medications I take lower my immune response.  I want to say that I am very grateful to see the amount of people who are taking this all in stride and not telling those like me with chronic conditions, those with cancer and others whose treatment put them at risk and mostly the elderly that we are not valuable.  I know that we hear most people who get this virus will be OK and I know how disappointing all these cancelled events are.  I also realize the financial and educational impacts these closings have.  It is very humbling to see that people are willing to look at the at risk populations and tell us we are valuable.  No one asks to be in a high risk situation, it is something we walk with daily and learn to adapt to a world that we don't always feel like we fit into.  In times like this when I see neighbors reaching out to make sure people have what they need and schools protecting those in their community it is a beautiful remind that we are not forgotten.  In many places in the past and today certain populations are treated as though they are worthless because they are viewed as being able to give less to society.  I am proud to be part of a community that is coming together to see that human value trumps financial gain.  So I just wanted to say thank you for those of you who are being more careful, washing your hands more often, wearing gloves in places of service and staying home when you feel sick.  For those like me in the situation of being a recipient of this grace, remember to be thankful when it starts to feel a little isolating and be grateful when you see someone do something that ultimately says they value your life.

Whips and Suffering

It has been a hard week.  I lost my brother to cancer last Sunday.  While we knew he had cancer we never expected it to move this fast and literally within a week of hearing there was an issue I was saying goodbye.  I have run through so many emotions, but today as I was driving I began to think about the pain that comes from this world.  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it agonizes.  It got me thinking about upcoming Good Friday.  My Savior being whipped over and over, skin tearing from his flesh, knowing what was to come, knowing how heavy the burden and each lash bringing immediate pain. 

God never promised we wouldn't suffer, in fact His word often reminds us in this world we will suffer.  It even says to count it all joy when we suffer.  We serve a king who knows what its like and can relate to the suffering. 

Sometimes in my life it has felt like a whip has been taken to my soul, sometimes like now and when my mother died it was an agonizing lash, sometimes when I was diagnosed with numerous chronic conditions its painful, when I suffered a miscarriage and struggled in pregnancy and when my marriage was struggling the lashes seemed to carry on and on.  However as I stood and took my lashes with my mouth silenced due to fate, I followed in the steps of my Father.  I know who wins the war and I won't let the lashes of the enemy's sinful world change my steps. 

The enemy may laugh and mock while the tears run down my cheeks and the lashes may feel so deep I can't move forward or so constant I can't stand up to carry my cross, but again my Savior gave me an example, he is there to help me lift it and keep going.  The enemy's came to steal, lie, kill and destroy.  Those lies did not write my brother's story and it shall not write mine.  I shall stand as he did bravely taking lash after lash, standing silent because I know the victory can not compare to the pain inflicted.

Was there ever really a "good old days"

The older I get the more I become aware of the fact that no there was not ever a "good old days".  I see many people get fired up about issues and seem to put on very distorted views of these days gone by.  While I would agree past generations did things different, was it really better or good?  We tend to forget that it was not a lack of sin that existed it was a lack of awareness.  Is this generation really doing things better?? Time will tell!  But the past didn't have the keys to better.  While yes we saw more marriages stay together, but what we didn't see was the abuse the women were not allowed to talk about, the isolation and lack of say in their own futures.  Yes we seemed to have"safer neighborhoods" where these moms were keeping an eye out, but was the for everyone or just those in the right socioeconomic situation and the right color.  Yes abortion was not an issues, but do we neglect to remember that sex was still happening before marriage and these girls who got pregnant were shunned and sent away to maternity homes only to have their babies taken from them and put up for adoption without an option to be their mother.  Do we remember that yes we had the 10 commandments and prayer in school, but we still had segregation and blatant racism.  We have forever lived in a world tainted in sin, no generation had a better handle on it.  Yes we believed girls should be girls and boys should be boys, but do we forget how those who didn't fit the mold were ridiculed and bullied even by their own families.  We need to not live in a way where we believe the generation we were most comfortable in our sin was really better.  We need to remember every generation is doing its best to survive and thrive in a sinful world and instead of constantly reminding this generation that we did it  "better" or ridicule their choices in carrying the weight we left them we need to come along side them, listen to them, work with them. Our choices may not have been the same as theirs but they were not better. Going back to the way it was doesn't help in fact for many that is a terrifying thought. 

A Calling and a Cost

We had two of our children graduate from high school over the past few weeks and enter adulthood.  It has definitely been a time of reflection.  The time spent going through old pictures and reliving all the memories.  What I love about photographs is the reminder that though days can be long and hard and we all worry about what it all means for the future, that in the meantime, life is going along and happy times happen.  Sometimes we can spend so much time planning whats next or worrying about what is happening and what it means for the future that we can lose sight that life is happening regardless.  I read a book recently that said life is like a coin, you can spend it anyway you want but you can only spend it once.  All the moments I spent worrying about my kids growing up, some were veracious readers while others settled for reading the back of a cereal box.  Some spent hours creating while others preferred video games.  None were or are involved heavily in music or sports, which would often cloud my thoughts as I saw a Facebook post of another kids achievements.

Years ago God clearly called us to live a life different from the ordinary one we began.  We had the 2 children one boy and one girl.  Life circumstances told us that we would have no more and yet we felt we had it all.  Then a stirring in my soul would not let me stop imagining life with so many more.  But the cost....if you have ever looked into adoption or raised children in general you know the cost is a lot....  As we would say one more God would say 2 and as we would say only one more God would say 3 and then when we threw in the towel God said...one more...  It was a calling something we couldn't ignore if we wanted to.  However a calling always comes with a cost.  It cost Jesus his life.

As time went on we learned to adjust more by necessity than anything else.  It was clear with 7 and then 8 children we would not have the normal suburban life.  First, we would probably never fly as a family, so all family vacations were now within driving distance....in a hot stinky van sometimes....  Second, going out to a restaurant for dinner, lunch or breakfast would now be a special occasion many times it was once a year on Christmas Eve.  Third, yearly vacations were a thing of the past, as just finding a place to stay can break the budget when its times 10!  Fourth, shopping changes...new clothes are replaced with hand me downs... true story when my daughter was 12 and we were in a store shopping I told her to try something on and she informed me she had never tried on anything in a store before.....

To be clear we were making a decent income for the area, but when its stretched among 10 people it tends not to go as far.  However, God was faithful, we never went without a need and always have more then enough wants.  That hot stinky van has provided some of our greatest family memories.  The things that go on in this house are seriously podcast worthy...and maybe will be someday when it won't embarrass some so much :)  The point is...we didn't keep up with the Jones's, in fact they probably have filed a complaint about something one of my children have done in the neighborhood in the search for fun....  and life went on regardless, and not just life, but life in abundance. 

So realize if God has called you, it will probably feel radical, and it probably will be...  You will have to pay a cost...most likely in material goods or sanity..... You will probably not have all you want in the world and still be obedient and you will sometimes feel like the magician in Frosty the Snowman..saying "That's Not Fair" ......... but as life rolls on regardless you will start to see that it wasn't fair....you got to experience something so many people miss, you get to experience Jesus in the flesh still working today among us...you will see miracles, you will experience the peace that passes all understanding...you will watch the future unfold in a way you couldn't have planned..and you will realize you don't miss the many movies you never saw, the restaurants you didn't experience, the beaches you didn't step on as much as you thought you would.

Would it be different?

Teaching history to my children for the past years and being a news junky I have had this thought recently.... would it really have been different....  Being the mother of both black and white sons and black and white daughters I feel like I have a unique perspective.  Teaching history to young kids (and older) can sometimes put quite a dim light on the world's past.  It can be easy to see that there is pervasive sin in all cultures.  We even can try to put a happy spin on things that end not so happy....teaching the founding fathers, falls into the demise of Native Americans and slavery, or if you go further back as my 11 year old put it recently...let me guess the king comes to power says he will do good things but instead beheads people.  So in the news I fully support the movements in the news that have come forward for racial and gender equality.  I believe fully that we should not be oppressed or harassed due to our God given genetic make up.  We are ALL created in God's image.  However, after raising all these children from all over the place I have come to wonder, if men of European decent had not held power for so long, if perhaps women had the opportunity on a large scale to rule the nations generation after generation, would they have ruled differently, would we have avoided a gender gap or racism.  I am not so sure because I do not believe the problem is in the genetic make up of a person in so much as the problem we were warned about far back into the Old Testament....power.....pride.....

The Bible and history proves our genetics does not cause us to act in reprehensible ways, no one population is a consistent tyrant.  But it is clear to show that the amount of power we receive (or feel we have or feel we deserve) is at the core of the problem.  Watch someone rise to power (or in our current culture with out a royal class, we can call it fame) and watch the tyrant in us rise.  Try to challenge ones power or fame and watch the wars begin.  See in all of us is both tyrant and victim, to pull ourselves up we must push someone down. 

So while it seems bleak it has me thinking then how to we achieve this equality that we desire.  Biblically....loving one another as God designed and giving God the glory...humbling ourselves at the cross...not culturally, but really....  We are fooling ourselves if we believe that we have humbled ourselves in front of an almighty just God but can say things like "I would not let my child date a child of another race"  or "this cultural group is lame"  or  "all men are pigs" or "fill in the black race or gender or lifestyle is the cause of problems"  STOP  humbling ourselves requires ourselves to look in the mirror and realize if the people who look, think and act like you had the power historically and currently we probably would have made just as bad decisions.  We would have been drunk on power and fame and money.....  So as we embrace these movements towards equailty lets also turn to Jesus and find the only true way to equality, humbling ourselves in front of our creator and truly looking at others as God's creation and loving each other.