The end results

I like to use this blog sometimes to sort out my thoughts.  Today I was thinking about the past and the present and I thought how things have changed.  Life year after year becomes more about the end results than the process of living.  I am not speaking personally but socially.  Life has always had humanity working for its needs like food, shelter, comforts... however an ever speeding up trend has brought about a loss of joy in our society.  Today we are so concerned with the end result...the kids must begin academics as soon as possible, to get ahead to get into the "best" schools to get into the "best" jobs to get into the bigger houses and nicer places.....but I wonder do they?  I mean is that really going to guarantee happiness and joy in my children's lives.. What do we sacrifice when we make an idol of materialism?  Ultimately that is what it amounts to.  Is it somehow a failure if the child has a love for nature and is full of joy living a simpler life? What if farming is their passion, or they find homemaking as their jot?  Have we failed?   Are we even allowing our children to discover their own passions and paths or are we so focused on the "best" we push them along blindly.  So many kids today don't have free time, time to explore on their own to be bored.  Have we accidentally made childhood too much like the adult world.  Competitive sports for kids?  Think about it....playing is how children learn, through play, pretend....now we have taken play and made it about the end...how good at that particular thing you are doing.  Sit at a 10 year olds soccer game one Saturday morning and listen to the comments and you will quickly see its not about kids having fun and getting exercise...its about winning and being the "best".  Learning takes time and each child is different in how they learn and process....but we have made it about the end...how well they do on tests, how early they start reading, we even give awards to kids who never missed a school day...which is actually an award in having a great immune system!  Even our entertainment is being the "best" American Idol, the Voice, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor, Amazing Race...... Our culture has no place for those who are not the best. Wasn't that Satan's fall, wanting to be the best....wasn't that Eden's fall wanting to be equal in knowledge to God (being the best).  We were never called to be the best...in fact we were called to give up our lives for the sake of the Gospel.  Where does this leave a Christian....how can we be the "best" and yet think of others as better than ourselves, how can we live a life of service to others.  Its almost taken a weird turn within our religious circles....look around we must be the best preacher, singer, church and when people don't deem it as the best they look elsewhere.  How can we be led by the Spirit if we are driven by the world's standards as what is best.  Jesus was very clear in Luke we are told... 

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,  but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Can you imagine what this would look like today.....

As Jesus drove into the subdivision he went to the home where Martha and Mary lived.  Mary spend the day enjoying the company of Jesus and talking with him.  Martha was so distracted, she couldn't believe he just showed up on a Saturday, didn't he know that she had soccer in the morning a championship game, then grocery shopping, now she had company so she had to clean up the house, get to the laundry and then get the kids to piano lessons they have a recital in a few weeks, get a yoga class in there or she would never get that 20 year old body back.  She just needed a few minutes to put on that makeup and she would ask him if he could come back tomorrow after she worked the nursery at church and stayed for a service, she couldn't miss it, it was about how to simplify her life.  Then she had book club which she needed to attend because she didn't spend all that time reading to miss a discussion.  Ooh but her if son won his game today he would have the next game on Sunday....and then they had ice skating classes....

I am not shaming busy people, with 8 kids I am busy too....my thought is that we have made ourselves "worried and upset about many things"  things that began as fun or service.  Maybe if we didn't need the biggest houses we wouldn't need to clean to often, or maybe if we didn't feel the need to look "the best" we wouldn't constantly be trying to turn back the hands of time.  Jesus told us the best was knowing Him and spending time with Him.  I for one am convicted that I do not stress this all the time in my own life or in my kids lives.  I spend too much time worrying about math skills or reading levels. Worrying about what kinds of jobs they will find or how well they will score on their SATs.  We have lost focus....we are a bunch of Marthas looking down on the Marys. You will often find that those with less have more joy...all these distractions we have worked so hard to attain have actually become our burden.  I need to refocus my life on what is truly best....Jesus.

Tornado Sirens....

This morning I was dreaming that tornado sirens were going off and in my dream I picked up my phone to see what was going on and I couldn't get the phone to work right and in my dream I woke up and saw my oldest daughter downstairs finishing some homework and we were talking...when suddenly I woke up and laid in bed thinking...weird I still hear sirens....wait I hear real sirens..... So I hopped up confused still from my dream and promptly woke up my husband.  I ran downstairs to watch the news to see what was happening (and it was 4am so no daughter was still awake).  The storm was not quiet here yet, so I went up and talked about whether we should wake up all 8 kids and risk them not going back to sleep....  We decided to wait, but a few minutes later they were saying everyone in our town/area should get in their shelter....I woke up the girls and Randy woke up the girls and the following is a humorous moment in time that happens when you have 8 kids....

Older 3 girls were up and heading down stairs
Younger 2 girls....I say wake up nicely twice...nothing....then I say TORNADO wake up and they were up and running.
We get downstairs and really there was no real storm yet so we are standing in the hallway.
Daughter "where are we going" Me "In the shoe closet and we will die of the smell"
Oldest daughter, "mom can we bring mints it..." Me "good idea...that's a lot of breath"
Daughter "But I have a cold..." Me "face the back of the closet so we don't get germs on us"
(We never ended up needing to go into the closet....)
Me to a son "Get away from the big windows"  a few minutes later to a daughter "get away from the big windows"....a few minutes later "get away for the windows that's the whole point we are here!!"
Daughter..."I have to go to the bathroom" Me "Go ahead but don't be like Elvis and have it end on the toilet."
Son "Can I watch tv" Husband "no".....a few seconds later.... same son "can I watch tv"  Husband "no"
Oldest daughter..."Dad are you wearing jeans?"  Me " Yes your dad and I like to dress up for tornadoes"  She says "Seriously did you sleep in jeans" Husband "No I put them on before I came down"

Finally sent them all back to bed at 4:45....and now at 6 my youngest is up watching tv......never a dull moment.

What will it cost...

The other day I was talking with some of my children about the Old Testament versus the New Testament and one child said that he was glad he lived in this age because he didn't like the idea of a sacrifice for forgiveness of sins.  He mentioned that its so much easier now.  I reminded him (and myself) that although it is tempting to think that our sins are forgiven because God just said so (and really because we don't see our own sin as so bad) and that their is no real price to pay, there was.  As we start this season of thankfulness, I was reminded and explained to my children, our sin was paid for through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.  He paid the penalty so that we did not not have to make the sin offerings talked about in the Old Testament.  However the sacrifice made through the cross was so much more then an animal sacrifice.  We talked about how we take that for granted so many times.  We know the price he paid and yet we can find ourselves talking about our own sin and acting in our own sin in a way that its not a "big deal" or this is just a little sin, God won't mind...  However when flipped around and we talked about how we would feel if it cost us a brother, sister or friend for the sake of another and that person came and told us continuing doing the thing that cost our loved one his or her life wasn't a big deal, the kids were very vocal about how unfair that was and how upset they would be.  Its true, we forget the sacrifice Jesus made for us, we tend to minimize our part.  Jesus tells us following him will cost us our life.  Laying down the things we want for others, because that is what he did for us.  But I get it, its hard, we know what we want and frankly sometimes others aren't doing or saying what we want to do or hear.....That is why I am learning ever so slowly it seems, to keep my eyes on the cross because when I think about the payment that was made on my behalf for my selfish sin and pride, it sets my attitude right about the demands I put on others.  Jesus didn't wait for me to be "better", he didn't wait for me to fix my attitude, he came to me when I was deep in the world, when I didn't even know I needed a Savior.  So then I should not wait for someones attitude to change, for their life to be "better", I should meet them where they are and show them the compassion and love that was given to me.  Thankful for the sacrifice made for me, I should go forth and show my gratitude to God by doing what I know he has taught through his word, loving my neighbor as myself.

The wound

Today as I was driving I was thinking about the pain that can come from trying to help others.  Its been a trying time in our family and I have found myself at times wanting to tell the Lord, I don't get it, I quit....I keep walking the path before me and I end up seeing things I can unsee, knowing thing I can't unknow, and walk with people down some pretty dark places.  I had been thinking why is following God like this, look at those courageous people from the Bible who were persecuted and suffered, read of missionaries who have witnessed or experienced atrocities, talk to anyone who is really devoted to ministry and listen to the cost to them and their families and friends.  It seems like following a loving God would be the opposite.  Until I realized this.....how can we really seek God and want God and look forward to nothing more than His return when we refuse to look at the world's reality.  Following Jesus and serving others requires you to see whats under the bandage.  We tend to look at the bandaged world because that is easier for us to look upon.  We love things like social media, tv. movies and superficial relationships.  Just see enough to know that we all have some wounds from this life, but to make sure it looks as though everyone is still OK, nothing we need to intervene in. For me the distance makes me feel as though my responsibility less.  To be honest sometimes I don't want to know because once I do know I know I can't unknow and then I must choose to act or sit back and watch.  Truly following the Lord requires and forces us to pull off the bandage, tear it back and look at the wound in all its ugliness, see the scar and truly understand the pain of others.  No longer can you just give a 5 minute prayer and move on to your agenda, your day is suddenly absorbed in the pain and the wound.  As soon as you soothe the pain of one you notice another and then another and you can't find a way to pretend it doesn't exist anymore.  Only then can you truly cry out the God above to return quickly and to pray for his mercy, because until then you have failed to see the result of sin. Sin causes horrible pain, selfishness affects so many generations, abuse endures long past the act and apathy can cause pain to linger like a horrible infection.  I have learned if you want to learn how to truly yearn for your Savior, look under the bandages of the world.

To My Graduate

This year we graduated our oldest daughter.  I wanted to tell her so many things, but as I kept letting my emotions get the best of me I told her I would write it to her.  So here it is....

For the last 17 years you have brought more blessings than you will ever know.  From the moment I knew you were growing I loved you more than I knew I could love anything.  I cried when you were little and I had to be away from you because it would physically hurt to not have you nearby.  You were the beginning of a long line of kids and as you grew became not just my baby but my buddy.  We loved to play together, sing together and talk....lots of talks.  You taught me more then I taught you.  You taught me love, patience,and how to be strong in my faith.  You have accomplished so much and while the achievements are amazing, I am more impressed by your character.  From the time you were a toddler your empathy and love has gushed from you.  They nicknamed you Mother Theresa in kindergarten because of your empathy.  You're about to enter a new time in life, college and beyond and I want you to know you are ready.  You've got this.   You are going to make an incredible woman, wife and mother.  You will make mistakes, you will feel overwhelmed, we all do.  Let no one fool you, not one of us has figured out this adult thing.  I encourage you to take chances on things that seem hard.  Never give up on love even when it's hard.  Know you ALWAYS have your family to support you and though you won't need it, to fall back on.  We will always have your back.  I look forward to these years as we will grow closer as you grow into adulthood and share all the firsts...houses....cars....jobs...weddings.....  All those things you have dreamed about are at the doorstep, it's almost time.  Congratulations my sweet girl!!  I am so proud of you.  I think you have solid roots. and now here are your wings...fly!!  (But not too far cuz you're forever my shmoopy)

I want to go back... a little.....

We recently graduated our oldest daughter from high school.  It is a huge milestone!  I think back about all the years that have past and so much life that has happened.  I also begin to remember as I see the anticipation of all the graduates whether it is high school or college and the hope and dreams.  I think back to how excited the little things were, although at the time they were huge.  I remember the excitement of planning out the future.  How thrilled I was with my first car (even though it was Chevy Cavalier) it didn't matter that it wasn't fancy, it was mine.  It symbolized freedom to be an adult. I remember sitting in my first apartment, which was the first floor of a really old house, 4 simple rooms but feeling unbelievably amazed that it was mine to decorate and take care of.  My floors to wash, my kitchen to cook in....  I couldn't wait.  The first year in that apartment I would clean everyday and bake and ohhh how I loved to check the mail!  I was newly married and we had a young daughter and I would wake up excited to take care of my adult life.  We had little money at the time, so we had to scrape up some crazy recipes and eat at my parents house a lot.  We had no money for a lot of holiday decorations so I would pull out the construction paper and let my daughter go to town decorating, we made paper chains and while it looked cheesy it was beautiful to us!  Then we bought our first house.....it was over 100 years old, broken, asbestos covered, on a busier road, falling apart, water smelled funky, haunted.....beautiful house..  We were so excited.  We had a yard to take care of, a porch to sit on, I felt so much pride taking care of and driving up to our house.  I loved having a house big enough to have family and friends over.  It was so exciting and it didn't matter how small or insignificant or crazy bad investment it was.....it was mine!  The other day as me and my husband drove away from our much larger, much nicer, unhaunted house I told him...we have done really well in life..... but somehow the better things got the less exciting it has become...House work became a chore, yard work became a chore, we get tired of eating the same foods, the decorations never look good enough.....I want to go back.... somehow living with less and living within the reality of our income and ability was so much more satisfying! God was right learning to be content with what you have brings joy!

What if it makes me happy?

So as I have mentioned before I may have  a slight comparison problem.  I tend to think everyone's grass is greener.  I have found a pattern in my life recently that is sabotaging myself.  Sometimes I find things that make me happy, quirky things, not life important things.  For example, I think sometimes I was born for the wrong era, I love the housewifey stuff of the 50s and even some of the 1800s stuff.  I wish I lived in a time that kind of lifestyle was what most people were doing.  What I realized in this line of thought was I wish this is what was expected of me and looked at as doing life "right" which to some people it is, but then I start thinking about all the other things I "should" be doing.  I "should" have started a great career by now, I mean I worked dang hard for that degree and am still paying for it, while making no income.  Acting the part makes me feel different and then I worry that I am not being a good role model to my girls as the woman who can make her way.  I worry that people think I am lazy or weird.....note the pattern worry worry worry.....eventually that worry makes me tell myself I am not living in reality.  I try to change things, I start to look for a job, consider sending the kids back to school, give the kids more frozen waffles...  I look in the mirror and decide that I don't look pretty enough and so the cycle begins, I drive myself crazy seeking "the new me" only to find that nothing else is working and nothing is me.  Then eventually I give up go on a cleaning and cooking binge, put my skirt back on and get back to me. Being that homemaker lady makes me feel at peace, it makes me feel whole.  When I try to run away from that and be what I think would be most acceptable to most people I get so stressed.  And the kicker is ..... no one cares.... honestly no one is losing sleep over how I spend my days, this is all my imagination and selfishness at that!  I need to let go of these 16 year old feelings! Anyway all of this has made me realize that 1. I have some anxiety issues (although i knew that) and 2. I feel like my life choices have to please everyone but me.  I spend way too much time worrying if who I am is different, offensive, irritating.... and the older I get the more tired I get of caring.  This is me...like it or not....I am not an extrovert, I don't like a busy life away from my family, I like to cook cookies and cakes and things that are so bad for us but bring smiles, I like hanging out with my husband even after 20 years, yep I am that needy wife, I believe God is leading me and that following Him is my number one priority.  That's me like it or not.