Change Part 2

So to pick up where I left off, Randy and I dated for a little over 2 years when I took a pregnancy test my sophomore year of college and learned I was going to be a mom.  My parents were not too happy at first to learn about this.  However in a few tense days my mother stopped me in the hallway outside my bedroom and I will never forget this moment, she said "a happy baby needs a happy mom".  From that moment on, that one boost of encouragement we embraced the pregnancy as a family.  One moment of my mother putting past her disappointment and my father setting aside his anger allowed Randy and I to begin our adventure of parenthood and have the support we needed to make it work.  As the mother of teens now, I can better comprehend the strength it took for both my parents to put aside their hopes and dreams for us and accept and embrace us where we were.  This was good timing because about  week later I begin vomiting constantly for the next 4 months.  I lost my internship, dropped out of school and lost 17lbs.  I was on home IV's to my fluids and vitamins.  I learned what a PIC line was and everyday my mother came and hooked me up (she was a nurse).  Randy found new work as a help desk guy which made a little more money.  Later in that pregnancy just as I was recovering from the sickness I went into preterm labor at 27 weeks.  They quickly gave me some medication and somehow I ended up with fluid in my lungs and around my heart, which sent me to respiratory ICU while still having contractions.  It got very serious.  At one point they told my family that me and my unborn daughter would only live another 30 minutes because the fluid was so intense around my heart and lungs.   A priest came in and gave me my last rites.  I remember being confused and tired and then I remember the ultrasound tech coming in a few minutes later and as she moved the wand she looked surprised.  The doctor said, I don't know what has happened but the fluid is almost gone.  She said I have to just write miracle on the paperwork because I have never seen this. I asked her here name and she said it was Alejandra, and so my baby's name was chosen that day and she became Alexandra. So 7 days later I went home still pregnant and on bed rest for the next 6 weeks until my baby girl was born. During that 7 days Randy never left the hospital, he stayed by my side, my parents brought him clothes and he ate hospital food with me.  One moment to run scared as a 20 year old man from a sick and pregnant girlfriend or one moment to stand by her side and protect and be responsible for me and my daughter.  One moment changed our worlds.  Over the next 5 years so much happened.  Shortly after my oldest daughter was born my mother discovered she had late stage ovarian cancer, Randy and I lived with her and my father for the first 18 months of my daughters life and then we got married and moved to our first apartment.  During that time my mother would tell me that God sent her Alex  at the very time she needed her.  She was the light in the darkness of that moment.  They would joke about being bald together and they shared a very close bond.  I would often times sit back and look at how life works, how every moment and every choice changes our future.

Change (a mini series)

I would like to take a few posts to talk about something very near and dear to my heart....my husband and his vision.....  19 years ago a girl met a boy.  The girl came from a good home, parents who were married my entire life who loved me and my siblings with everything they had.  My dad worked tremendously hard to set up me and my four siblings for a normal life.  We always had a home, food, entertainment and vacations.  I took this for granted and whined and disobeyed like most teens.  Then a fateful night I was driving around what we called the "Franklin 500" basically a parking lot where boys and girls would meet each other.  I was wearing a long Abraham Lincoln beard goofing off when I came upon a very tiny roller skate of a car...a geo metro.  It had 2 young men inside and we started talking to them eventually getting their phone numbers.  A few days later on a break from my job as a preschool aide, I nervously called this older guy ;)  He was all of 18 and I was 16 and so he came to pick me up on the first date wearing WAY too much cologne, but that night something special started.  So as we began to get to know each other I realized our lives were very different.  He had graduated high school the year before and was currently living with a friend's family.  He was technically homeless.  He was working as a security guard to make ends meet to pay for his car.  As we talked I learned his mother had divorced his step father and they had moved from their home.  However they left my husband behind at 16 to finish school in an abandoned house with no lights, water or anything else by himself.  So his senior year of high school he lived in this house cooking from a car battery contraption making sure to get to school and to his job at Burger King.  His determination was nothing like I had ever seen.  He had been abused, abandoned and neglected and yet he was the hardest working most caring guy I had ever met.  We began dating pretty immediately and I watched him save up and get an apartment with some friends and then another apartment.  I am not going to lie at 17 and a senior having a boyfriend with an apartment was super impressive :)  However we quickly learned that we were on a journey not a sprint to a "real" relationship.  At the time I was coming out of a difficult time and had been spending my weekends partying, experimenting with things I should not have been (keeping this the G version).  I quickly found out that my husband wanted none of that in his life.  I learned his childhood and adolescent had involved too much alcohol and drugs and he was not interested in a girlfriend into that.  I had to make a choice to leave the lifestyle I lived for the past few years for a boy I had only known for a few months.  Something inside me said he's worth it.  We had many struggles in our first few years, our lives had resulted in dealing with a lot of insecurities, jealousy and other problems we both dragged in.  However we stood by each other and stayed together, not ever breaking up or taking a break.  My parents loved him, he quickly became one of the family even staying at our house many nights (on a totally different floor!) even though he would say he NEVER lived with us :)  I watched my dad help him get a new car when his was repossessed and my Mom took the role of making him birthday cakes and giving him Christmas presents.  Don't get me wrong, he was no charity case, he was the reason their daughter had stopped partying, he picked me up at work every day and he always was helping out around the house.  I watched how one person made such an impact on my life, he gave me direction, confidence, made me feel beautiful and happy.  He taught me not to take my life for granted and how to stand by someone.  I watched how my dad, one man, gave Randy confidence by doing what he knew how to do, help him write a resume, learn to tie a tie, show him how to buy a car and NOT get ripped off.  I watched my mom do what she did best, she made him feel welcome, made private jokes with him, made sure he was well fed (she was Italian and we both gained a lot of weight those first years!).  I watched how 1 person began to change so much in the world..... to be continued

Judge Not

I would have told you a long time ago I am not a judgmental person.  I thought I was pretty tolerant and I was pretty calm, and then as I grew older God has taught me over and over what it means to love like Jesus and to see the world through Jesus's eyes.  Usually it comes through letting me live through situations and making me the person that I would have judged.  A terrible car accident taught me not to judge that slow driver in front of me, and not to judge the person who just can't get on that amusement park ride.  A pregnancy at 19 taught me not to judge that young mom or that mother of that young mom, she choose to take responsibility for her actions and its not easy.  A pregnancy that nearly took my life taught me not to judge those who choose an abortion when their life depended on it, its not at all easy for a family or a mother to choose between her life and her child.  God was good and allowed my baby girl to be born without losing one of us, but it is not always the case.  Having a preemie baby in a NICU and a mother sick with cancer taught me not to judge people who act distracted, sometimes they have much bigger problems on their minds and you can not know what people are going through.  Realizing I could not have anymore children after 21 and losing my mother at 25 taught me not to judge the person who finds it hard to smile at the baby shower or during the Mother's Day church service.  They are not conceited or aloof, they are grieving.  Being a mother of 8 children from all different backgrounds has taught me not to judge those moms who are tired and overwhelmed, yes we wanted to be mothers, but sometimes it is the hardest thing we have ever done.  Watching my children struggle with dysfunctional pasts has taught me to not judge those whom we have not walked in their shoes.  Having a multi ethnic family has taught me to never judge a person by the outside, but wait and see what their hearts have to offer, but do not excuse an persons unflattering behavior because you are uncomfortable with their skin color.  Most often I have learned I have a chronic pain disease and I have learned not to judge the woman who doesn't bring a bible to church or avoids the handshakes or picnics, they are not antisocial, they are doing their hardest to do what they can.  I am growing and sometimes I cringe at the things I would think about others but I am thankful God is teaching me. I urge everyone to take a breath step back and be kind because we can't always see the whys in life and when we can be the smile, the hug, the understanding one, we are loving truly like Jesus.

I got moves like jagger.....I mean like nana

The past few weeks I have had a lot of changes around here!  Mostly with myself this time.  About a month ago I was doing some math work with my daughter when suddenly my pinky finger felt like I had jammed it.  I had not remembered hitting it on anything, but I tend to do that and forget.  So I just tried to forget about it, but within a day that whole hand swelled up, then my other hand swelled up.  At first I though I was going a big crazy.  To preface a few weeks before this I had a pain in my foot which had me limping for about 2 weeks which the doctor had said was probably tendinitis.  So back to the doctor I went and this time she looked at my hands and said OK, something is not right, I think we might be looking at a type of arthritis.  She referred me to a rheumatologist.  I came home and will admit cried to my husband as I was totally taken off guard and scared of what this means for the future.  I got on the internet and researched, meanwhile my hands were so weak I had trouble opening jars or doing simple things. I even kept dropping food as I would try to eat, although I suppose its a good weight loss plan as you watch your delicious muffin slide to the floor your dog is currently licking.....  Anyway fast forward a few weeks to today and I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and sjogrens syndrome.  Woohoo...  As the doctor told me today I currently have swollen toes, fingers, ankles, knees, hips, shoulders and wrists.  Oh and the kicker you get so easily tired....like homeschooling 8 kids doesn't already do that AND they say avoid stress.....this as I come home and an unnamed child is stuck in a coat hanger....yes you read that right....a coat hanger....    So at first I did a lot of crying, scared of being a twisted lady in a wheelchair, but one morning at church I was singing and praising God and I lifted my hand only to realize my shoulder wasn't having that, and I thought if this is what God has called for my life then who am I to complain.  (disclaimer, I will complain to those I love a lot in a daily way, I mean I could drop a cookie or heaven forbid my coffee....) but in the scheme of life its just the hand I was dealt.  So if you see me limping, its not the latest dance moves or if I don't shake your hand don't take it personal as it feels like some sort of death grip when you hold it.  I am curious to see what God is doing in this part of my life. I thought my life was over when I was 21 and they told me I couldn't have children anymore.  I cried, pity partied, pleaded with God, tried to bargain with God and reality was, my lot in life ended up being greater then I could imagine, that notification that pregnancy would probably killed me drove me to traveling around the world and having the most unique crazy family that I wouldn't trade for anything.  So while I wouldn't wish for this disease, I am curious where it will lead and why.  Either way it has given me new perspective when I sing songs like I will follow you Lord, Lead my life......because you better be ready for God to take you up on that!

God The Father

I got thinking about this after my awesome husband shared his wisdom with me.  Its interesting how God choose to use the parent child relationship.  One thing I am learning is that the parent and the child see this relationship really differently.  To a younger child or adolescent the parent is something that you love deeply but often times try to run from, ignore, roll your eyes at or test.  You do this simply because you take for granted that you are loved and believe you will be forgiven.  The most important thing a child needs is to feel loved.  From the unique perspective of being a parent to birth and adopted children from various backgrounds, one thing doesn't change.  Every child needs to feel loved and secure in that love. As a parent you innately provide that love.  Its a love that you can not imagine as a child.  That love the child takes for granted is the very heart of the one giving it.  That child has no idea that reason the parent gets so excited, remorseful, nervous, tearful is because this kind of love is radical kind of love that scares the bejeebuz out of us. The funny paradox is this, the child can never quite figure out what the parent is looking for.  They think, they want us to do well, but then sob as we graduate and move out.  They talk about how they were so excited to find out we were joining the family and then we hear them say how many times do I have to tell you........To a child its mind boggling how you can possibly ground or be angry with someone you always couldn't wait to have.  Isn't that how we view God the Father, if he loves and created us, how can he have righteous anger?  How can he disapprove of what we do?  We are so comfortable that deep down he loves us anyway, we don't have deep conviction on our sins because its not "that" big a sin.  Then suddenly the child becomes the parent...and then we see....then it finally makes sense...  It is something that reaches the deepest part of our heart.  Something we have never experienced before, its a powerful feeling of sudden devotion, protection, heart melting love.  You cannot forget it, leave it, ignore it, its constantly in your mind. Suddenly everything you think, do  and perceive relates to this little person.  Your whole world is locked up in them.  They cannot be replaced.  So is the heart of our Father in Heaven.  Here is the difficult part.  The heights of all emotion good and bad are completely out of control within the parent.  You can be more proud than you have ever experienced and that person can bring you great disappointment. You want nothing but the very best for this child, but at the same time you want them to create their own path.  Your instinct is to step in and save them and tell them what you want them to do, but you also live to see them come to these conclusions on their own.  The reality is often confusion for child and parent.......

The child feels like the parent wants the child to be the smartest, kindest, most athletic, richest, most successful.......  Yet they do not realize the parent's do not seek these from the child.  Those are just results of choices the child makes in life or luck.  The parent's desire is to see the child return that genuine love that pours from the parents heart.  To make choices in life based off love, to know security and peace because they know they are loved.  To love others because they know true love.  And so it is with God.....he does not need us to the best prayer, most generous giver, strongest in faith....he wants us to return the love he gives us back to him.  To do the right thing because we are secure in his love.  To let our love for the one who loves us deepest direct every step in our lives and when we are weakest, to feel so loved we can collapse in his lap and get a hug.  Its so simple, return the love to the one who is love.

Maybe its time we learn from the kids....

We adults tend to believe we know better as we are more educated and have "lived" more and most of the time we do.  To my children who read my blog.....I DO KNOW WHATS BEST ;)  OK had to get that out of the way.  HOWEVER, here are some things I have observed that perhaps we adults could glean from....or at least attempt to try to remember how we did it.

1. Kids can argue one minute and the next be sitting together playing as best friends.  No keeping count of the transgressions.

2.  They can find fun in anything, outside they can turn a backyard into a campsite, inside their rooms become elaborate forts which they are content to sit in most of the day.

3.  Stop everything when something awesome happens, like a helicopter flew over or a new type of bird is in the yard and quickly run and tell anyone who will listen about what you love.

4.  Fancier is about the attitude not how it compares.  Going to get ice cream with a fabulous purse is just as exciting as attending the Oscars.  Also their is no need for the awesome accessory to match anything else.

5.  Comfort over fashion, do not wear what is itchy, scratchy, slows you down because its too big or is too tight you have an eternal wedgie

6.  Believing a new pair of sneakers can and will make you jump higher and run faster and so you do this sporadically throughout the day (who needs a gym!)

7.  As long as they want to play they are your friend and if you play it the next time you see each other you are best friends.  Character involves if your nice and treat me nice and in return I will be nice.

8.  Love deeply, even if its your blanket you can not live without.

9  Love what reminds you of who you love.  My son told me he loves sleeping in our bed because it smells like mom and dad and he feels safe.

10.  Tell someone your fears and let them hug you.

11. Believe you have enough and every time God sends another blessing act like you won the lottery.  As my children do when they find a penny on the sidewalk!

12.  Don't compare experiences, every time you celebrate, eat something or play a new game admit its the best day EVER!

13.  Don't miss life, stop and walk slowly and look out the window, look for buds in the spring and look for the first snowflakes in the winter.

14.  Don't get bog down by what could be unless its daydreaming how awesome its going to be.

15.  Act shocked when you hear about injustice in the world, because even though we know it happens....we should be shocked.

Hellos and goodbyes

Saying hello almost always means saying goodbye.  In life things change and the older I get the more it seems to happen in hyper speed.  Its a concept we grow accustomed to but never used to.  It starts early to say hello to school means learning to say goodbye to mom, saying hello to each new grade means saying goodbye to the your current teacher.  Saying hello to a new city means saying goodbye to the old and so we are stretched in our growth as every hello seems to be ever shadowed by a goodbye.  So it is in our adoption experiences.  We often focus on the side of adoption that says this child gets their forever family and this family gets their forever child.  This should be the focus as this is the beautiful part.  However we cannot ignore the shadow and pain that follows this of the goodbye.  For some it is the goodbye to a birth parent who for whatever reason has made this choice.  To a child the reason does not matter, it is still a goodbye.  For some it is the orphanage worker or friends that they say goodbye too.  Again the reason is good, they have a family, but the memories, traditions and routines are hard to forget. In all hello and goodbyes, time is a double edged sword. On one side you see a new routine and new tradition form and the hello becomes more comfortable and normal and settling, but at the same time the goodbye becomes like photographs.  You know the ones you pull out and say ohhh those were the good old days because you remember the good times and forget the sleepless nights. You remember the sweet moments and forget the hassles,  everyone seems kinder, gentler or more fun then reality actually supports.  Anytime a struggle comes up in the hello, you are drawn to over paint the past as some sort of strange perfection you gave up.  Its a temptation too great becuase the fear is the hello will not compare to the goodbye.  Yet somehow when a new hello comes along we see the current as our greatest days.  And so it goes and will continue to go, we will welcome the hellos, say the goodbyes and press on.