Final countdown to coming home!

In 3 short days we will begin the journey to bring Rosie home forever.  I have had the awesome pleasure to talk to her over facebook the past few days and I realized just how much she is my girl already in my heart.  With the time difference I know that she is on in the morning, so I race downstairs to see if she is on.  Whenever Randy travels I always leave all communication lines open and waiting and I wait by them in case he needs me.  I have left facebook open all these days all days, just in case she needs me.  I was able to facebook chat with her (google translating every message), make pancakes from scratch and start laundry all before 8.......I felt like Supermom this morning ;)!  No matter what I am doing if I hear her message me I drop it and run and hang on her every word until I see 4ao, which I have learned means "chow" in which I resume my previous activities.  Each of my children have a special song that struck me as just for them, and this song from Christy Nockels is Rosie's song.  I think after 13 years of waiting on a momma, its time :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvfOGOlQCOo

My mom and my thoughts of heaven

Ten years ago today my mother gave up her earthly battle with cancer to join heaven.  I have had many years now to process her loss.  She was a great mom, who showed me how to care and how to love.  She loved her family with a complete devotion.  We were not just her children but a link to herself.  For that I was blessed.  Now as I contemplate where she has gone, I have grown in my faith and I have observed many a book or article about loss.  I am going to step out here and admit something I have to come to find comfort in that many may not understand, but some may.  I don't believe she is watching over me and before you judge that statement read thought this as why.  I believe she is part of the kingdom of God where she is not sad or in pain.  Anyone who knew my mom would know watching us live out our lives and not be able to join in or help or dry our tears would tear her tender heart out.  I am here to live out a purpose for God, my life has meaning deeper than anything I can understand.  I will someday join my mother as like with pain, time has no meaning in heaven, we will not speak of the years separated, as no time exists. As hard as the concept is to wrap my mind around, she will exist with God and when I join her it will be for her as if no time has passed.  I don't know how I could move on to fulfill God's call in my life if I thought every time I cry for her she cannot literally be here and make it better.  In fact its painful for me personally to think of her watching me 10 years later moving on with life without her.  I don't want to think of her watching me buy a mothers day card for someone else, or seeking answers to things as I grow from other women.  Things she herself would have loved to teach me.  I think its God alone who sends the purple flowers my mom said she would send to remind us of her (and I have found purple violets at every house we have purchased!)  God understands my need to keep that connection to my mother because I do live in a time and I feel every day, week and year.  When my children say good bye to me someday I want them to walk forward in whatever life God has for them with the full assurance I am in glory and happiness and freedom and they can join me, but for now its OK for people to move on and our loved ones are in happiness and freedom and God has us in his hand.  Please don't flame for this point of view, I do not believe that thinking our loved ones are watching us is wrong.  We cannot now that which is to come, its just my personal view.  For today I will imagine my mom in heaven talking up a storm about her children and grandchildren with the wide smile she had.  I will let my Savior comfort me. 

Easiest labor, longest pregnancy!

Tonight as I sleep half way across the world a courageous 13 year old young lady will tell a court she would like to be adopted.  Then all of the culmination of paperwork and visits and many, many fingerprint and doctor appointments collected over the past 15 months will be given to the court and in those few moments a family will be created.  A girl who has not had the love of family will be forever joined after many years of waiting.  A family with an empty bed will fill it with a child they will love always and forever.  I remember 15 years ago becoming a mother and seeing my oldest daughter come into the world and all the anticipation and nerves bundled and my heart swelled.  Now it swells again as my 8th child, Rosie joins our world in paper.  If you haven't yet guessed, our court date is tomorrow!!! In a few weeks we will be united!!!!!!!!!  Please pray everything goes smoothly!

Find the beauty

One thing I have learned as I get older is it can get ugly.  People are always polarized over topics, politics, religion, social issues, school choices.....and it goes on and on.  I have seen it in all areas from the playground to the pulpit and to be honest many times it seems easiest to react in anger, hurt or frustration.  In fact I am guilty just today of reacting with anger over an article about adoptions from Liberia filled with lies that use the sources created by other lies.  Then I thought about it and realized that Jesus knew this, he sat among those that polarized others, especially the religious community.  The dirty, the poor, the illegitimate, the prostitutes and yet he loved them, ate with them, didn't look down on them or turn up his nose.  He did this not because he was sticking it to the Pharisees, but simply because he saw ALL our sin.  He didn't rank one type of sin worse then the other, yes some were sexually or ceremonially unclean, but others were full of pride.  None were found worthy, hence the need for a Saviour.  He was able to find a way to find beauty though despite the sin, found the devotion of Mary Magdalene, the honest seeking of Nicodemus, the loyal follower in Peter and the evangelist in Paul.  Who am I to or in that case who is anyone to condemn another based on my perceived sin in their life.  My job is not to seek out their imperfections and point out my pride, but to seek out their beauty and the redemption my Savior found worthy of dying for.  My job is not to say or write a scathing thing or walk around picketing the sin I find more abhorrent than my own, it is to live in the power of the God I claim to believe.  It should be through living in this power that people are drawn to the God that I love, to the life only He can provide.  In reality it makes life more enjoyable.  Once we realize its not a contest, its nothing we can claim winning in nor should we get joy when we can one up one we deem a sinner, its living in the grace we were allowed and trusting in the future that God already has in His hands. 

Doing Nothing

Sometimes I fall into the pit of thinking I am not doing much. I feel like maybe I should get a job, get a hobby or clean the house more.  Perhaps its because I tend to answer emails within minutes of receiving them and always have my facebook up.  This weekend for Mothers Day my awesome husband gave me the weekend off.  He did the cleaning, cooking, and answering the 10000 can I questions from the kids.  I literally got to do nothing!  I slept in both days, and it was quite lovely.  As I sat and truly spent hours just relaxing, I saw all my husband was doing.  I saw just how many times he would sit and then someone would need something and he would get up.  I saw just how long putting together dinner takes for this crew!  Randomly the other day I also realized that every night I make dinner I make enough for a "dinner party" according to websites and cookbooks, but that is beside the point.  I also saw that familiar tired face as dinner ended and showers began.  It made me realize that I definitely don't "do nothing" category, but more I realized that I must love it to make it not seem like work.  In fact I was so refreshed this morning and ready to jump back in that I got a lot accomplished.  Hmmm so maybe I am doing just what God wanted for me in this season, maybe  I can rest in the fact that I might... just might, be doing something right!

Adoption Update:  Still waiting on our court date, hoping to hear soon!  I am so excited to bring Rosie home!

A cracked vessel

I have struggled with anxiety for many years.  It is one of those things I have prayed for God to take away but it is always there.  My usual worries revolve around letting others down, whether it is controllable or uncontrollable circumstances.  I worry about something happening to me or my children. I worry I said the wrong thing, didn't say the right thing, made a fool of myself or acted too proud.  I worry that I have said things I cannot fix or didn't say what should have been said.  I worry that I am doing too much or not enough.  Its as Paul described a thorn in my side.  Today however I had a revelation of sorts.  I thought....what if its exactly who God made me to be......what if this is me.  Yes it would be nice to say I will jump in the car and be a "free" spirit, but then what would drive me to my knees?  While speaking with some wonderful ladies today I came to realize how many times God has shown up and proven to me that he has it under control, that He is my protector, provider and that I can rest in him.  It was my anxiety that showed me that.  He has slowly (i supposed I am a slow learner!) over the years pulled down so many fears and what I have found behind it was Jesus, holding me up every time.  I am an Israelite, I have seen my own miraculous healing, I have seen people show up just in time, I have had God show me things that can have no other explanation and then I walk on and forget.  Like the Israelites forgetting the manna, the parting of the red sea and the cloud they followed.  I look around and see the waves and start to go under while all the while Jesus has his hand ready to pull me up over and over.  A lot of times people ask me how I do it with 7 kids and another on the way....want the honest truth...it may not be as awesome as you may think........I shake and quake about traveling and driving far for that matter, I cry when I can't see how its going to work, I stomp around sometimes when my ways not working, I change my mind a million times about whats best for our lives, I question EVERY decision a million times and then doubt what I swore I knew was right (seriously ask my family).   I am a cracked vessel but the amazing thing God keeps showing me is people don't see my broken pieces because Jesus is holding it all together and even when I am worrying He is there.  When I am worried people will see my faults or failures they are seeing Him move.  When I worry I run to Him and He provides, even when I forget He never does.

The enormity of it

This Easter we decided to make a conscious effort to display the importance of Easter to our children during the holy week before.  We did something every day to build up to Easter morning.  We burned candles with perfume scents to remember the woman who poured her perfume on Jesus, we shared bread while we talked of Passover, we made crosses symbolizing what Jesus did for us.  I was really hoping the children understood the significance of Easter.  When Easter morning came we went to church and I quickly realized this week had taught me more than I had known.  I could barely get through the songs without tearing up.  My heart was bursting with joy when we sang about Jesus rising again.  This Easter didn't quite go as I planned, we had planned to make a big turkey dinner with all the fixings for the family, but before heading to church I realized I was missing a lot of ingredients.  Instead we took the kids to a Chinese restaurant for lunch and then came home, the rest of the day was filled with relaxing together, playing games and then the ultimate treat pie for dinner!  I was filled with the joy of the truth of the cross and at the same time longing to have my Rosie with us!  We are so close to bringing her home.  I was disappointed that we couldn't have her home with us for this Easter, but Sunday morning reminded me that God's timing is perfect and she will walk into her forever home at the perfect time God has allowed.  So go ahead and "teach" your kids a lesson, maybe you too will end up the student!